


Just Go With It

by Trakn



Category: Just Go With It - Fandom - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awkwardness, Bisexual Male Character, Blackmail, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Gender or Sex Swap, Genderbending, Genderswap, Hawaii, Lesbian Character, M/M, Makeover, Relationship(s), Romantic Comedy, Single Parents, somebody make me stop tagging, you'll laugh when you see who does the blackmail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23389663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trakn/pseuds/Trakn
Summary: A plastic surgeon convinces her assistant to join her along with her young girlfriend on a trip to Hawaii and pose as her ex-fiancé to cover up a lie, but they just end up complicating the situation further.Just Go With It AU where Danny is a girl, Katherine is a guy. Featuring a bisexual Dani Maccabee who's just as infatuated with a lesbian Palmer Dodge, the incorrigible Eddie Simms with his weirdo weirdness, the surprisingly sexy Charles Murphy and his two hellspawn that help Dani with her lies.





	Just Go With It

**Author's Note:**

> I was watching the movie the other day and I just thought, oh my god what if they were genderswapped? I looked for some fanfics but alas! No one's written it yet. So here I go, stumbling through another fanfic as I hadn't produced trash with my Stony pairing. :( Also I can't avoid making my characters not be gay for some reason so ahoyvey enjoy everyone be as straight as a mfing circle lmao.
> 
> HOpe you guys enjoy! I had a lot of fun writing this fic. Especially watching videos of male hula dancers, lmao. You'll see why I had to do such intense... investigating asjkasjflsa.
> 
> Also please go easy on me, I have no beta, English is my second language (which I know is no excuse) but I gave it my best.
> 
> Minor TW: there's a character that's says some kind of homophobic remarks but nothing too nasty. I really don't want to make any of you uncomfortable so i'll say it from the beginning.
> 
> *Also happy surprise!* Gay marriage is legal in Hawaii since 2013 so I was super happy to find that tidbit out when i was researching. Now onto the fic!

**March 13, 2002**

“She’s just so… boring. When she said she told me she was bisexual, I totally thought she would go for threesomes. Instead she always _studying._ ” At the familiar deep voice, Daniela ‘Dani’ Maccabee pauses white skirt in hand. She’d sent away her bridesmaids so that she could spend one guilty moment with her fiancé before they had to separate for the ceremony. But as soon as she got near the door that connects their rooms, she’d frozen at his voice. “If she wasn’t going to be a doctor, I wouldn’t even be here. But her family has enough money, so I don’t have to work, even if she’s just so fucking dull. She doesn’t even act like a twenty-two-year-old!”

Apparently, Vernon hadn’t realized that she was in the room next to his because he continues to bemoan his fiancée’s lack of appeal. It’s only when the other male voices in the room chime in their agreement, one going as far as poking fun at her prominent nose, calling it a fucking _zucchini_ , that she unfreezes.

Gingerly touching her nose with one hand, she frowns, blinking quickly to avoid the burning in her eyes. _But he’d told me that he loved my nose._

She turns toward the mirror in the room. White lace, voluminous skirts, and her goddamn fucking nose that her family just can’t escape. Tears blur her vision, and she begins to yank at her dress furiously. It doesn’t move, the stiff fabric resistant to her efforts.

Finally, she gives up. She stares at her reflection again, angrily brushes away her tears and takes a deep breath. Fuck Vernon and his stupid self. Resolve in place, she only pauses to grab her keys and purse and escapes the now stifling confines of the room.

She drives around, ignoring the buzz of her phone in her purse. It’s probably her family wondering where she is. Or it’s her cousin Eddie wondering where his ride went, after all she’d let him borrow her car so that he could go to the wedding. She shakes her head and pulls into the first bar she sees. She’s tired of thinking.

Eight shots later she’s feeling much better, even if the stupid dress made her stick out like sore thumb. She signals at the bartender for another with a lopsided grin when someone plops on the stool next to her. She turns, that same silly grin still on her face.

“Hello, and who are you?” Dani leers at the girl next to her. She’s pretty, her nose freckled and her eyes green like emeralds. And she can’t be a day over eighteen.

“Are you okay?” Concern glitters her eyes and suddenly Dani feels so tired.

Dani snorts, turning back to her drink. “Yeah doll, just peachy.”

“Hey, do you want to talk about it?” A soft touch on her arm yanks her attention back from the wonderful haze of alcohol. “I’m Gale.”

Meeting that concerned green gaze, Dani makes a decision that changes the course of her dating life for years. She pouts exaggeratedly and brings her engagement ring in front of her face.

“Gale, you won’t believe what happened to me.”

Soaking in the commiseration and angry reactions from Gale, Dani spins a story where a cheating scumbag left her at the altar. And later when the damned dress is finally off and she holds a slumbering Gale in her arms, she stares at her engagement ring. Maybe she won’t give it back after all.

And fuck cardiology, she’s going to be a plastic surgeon and fix her own nose.

* * *

**November 20, 2020**

“Are you shitting me?” Charles demands from behind his desk at a nervous delivery man. He juggles the plastic bag. “What the hell? I know what I ordered and this, Chuck, ain’t it.”

“That’s what Omar s-sent.”

Narrowing his green eyes at the smaller man, Charles scowls. “What the fuck is this supposed to be?”

Mumbling, Chuck sweeps at his obvious comb-over and shuffles his feet. Charles slams his hand on the counter, making the small picture frame of two smiling kids on his desk rattle, and the smaller man jumps. “Uh, a booby bag? The ones that go in the chest?”

“A booby bag.” Unimpressed, Charles looks over the rim of his glasses at Chuck. Considering Charles is 190 centimeters, the sweater vest and tan chinos combo doesn’t really take away that he can look imposing when he wants. “Does this look like a booby bag?”

“N-no?”

“You bet your ass it doesn’t.” Charles scoffs and throws the offending plastic bag back into the box. “This looks like a bag of IHOP syrup. These are subpar booby bags and let me tell you: Dr. Maccabee does _not_ like subpar booby bags. Get these things out of my sight and tell Omar that he better send me what I ordered with a discount for the inconvenience.”

Chuck nods hurriedly then grabs the box and holds it awkwardly in his arms. He scurries toward the door. Charles takes his glasses off and pinches the bridge of his nose. He’d told Dani that Omar wasn’t a trustworthy provider, but she’d been charmed by the funny Hispanic and took a chance on his business. With a sigh, he picks up his clipboard and goes to Dani’s office. She’s playing some sort of video game, her attention focused completely on the screen of her computer and it takes Charles three times to get her to look up.

“You have a patient in room four, Kirsten Lane, botched chest surgery.” At Dani’s questioning look, Charles sighs. “Apparently she went to India and got a cheap boob job, her nipples were left crooked.”

Dani cackles. “So long as these idiots keep going to hacks, I’ll never be out of business.”

Charles rolls his eyes, “Uh-huh, let’s go.”

Dani keeps giggling as they make their way to the examination room, becoming serious only the moment before they go inside. Charles stays by the door, pen poised to take notes.

“All right Ms. Lane, let’s see what you’ve got.” Dani is all earnest seriousness and the blonde patient immediately relaxes.

“I don’t want you to laugh at me.” Kirsten looks at the pretty brunette doctor with a blush. “Everyone told me not to go to a hack and it was so obvious. I went to a warehouse. But it was just so cheap and now…”

Dani clucks her tongue in sympathy. She reaches out to the other woman’s hand and gives her a soft squeeze. “I know Ms. Lane; everyone makes mistakes once in a while. Now, let me see.”

Upon the reveal, Dani tilts her head and looks at Kirsten. “Okay, I can see why you’re embarrassed.”

Kirsten laughs shyly. “I know, they really fucked it up.”

“I mean,” Dani points at the nipples. “They could get stuck in your hair if you’re not careful.”

Kirsten snorts and waves her hands. “I know! It’s ridiculous.”

Over by the door, Charles hides his smile behind his hand. Watching Dani interact with her patients, making them laugh at what they usually come in all embarrassed about, is always a highlight of his day. Dani’s voice brings him out of his reverie, and he starts to write down her indications.

Suddenly there’s a knock on the door and before Charles can effectively block it, Eddie, Dani’s annoying cousin, pokes his head in. Dani rolls her eyes but gestures at Kirstin to cover herself back up.

“Hey there,” Dani and Charles groan in unison at the flirtatious tone Eddie adopts.

Dani gestures at her cousin weakly. “Ms. Lane, sorry for the interruption. This is my irritating cousin.” She grins at Eddie suddenly. “Hey Eddie, how’s the surgery going?”

Eddie flushes and scowls. “Fine.”

“Oh, you were her patient too?” Kirsten’s blue eyes are earnest as she looks at the red-faced man. “What did she fix?”

Charles coughs and Dani laughs loudly. “Go on, Eddie tell her what I fixed.”

Eddie mumbles something.

“Sorry?”

Dani nudges at Kirsten with her elbow, a wide grin on her face. “He had to get something… _enlarged_.”

Kirsten looks back at Eddie, her hand covering her grin. “No way. People still do that?”

“It’s completely normal!” Eddie argues. “It’s cosmetic like everything else. Dani, where’s my patient-doctor confidentiality?”

“Calm down Eddie. Maybe if you didn’t barge in on her consultation, I wouldn’t have to say anything.” Dani raises an eyebrow at her sputtering cousin before turning back to Kirsten. “Charles will set up your next appointment, Ms. Lane. I’ll see you then.”

Dani gets up and grabs a hold of her still red-faced cousin, giving Charles a meaningful tilt of her head. Charles stays behind in the room and Dani half-drags her cousin to her office.

“Why are you here Eddie?” she says as soon as they’re in privacy.

“Why do you always have to tell everyone about my surgery, Dani?” Eddie demands instead.

“Please, as if you would have lasted more than a minute before you started to flirt.” Dani wags her finger at her cousin. “I have a strict no flirting policy in my consultation rooms, _and_ you barged in without permission.”

“Yeah but she didn’t have to know.” Eddie grouses.

“Everyone in the office knows, hell Charles knows.” Dani adds when she sees her receptionist/office manager/ best friend enter the room. “Tell him Charlie.”

“It’s _Charles,_ Dani, not Charlie. And of course, I know.” Charles grins at the stocky curly haired man. “I was there with the magnifying glass.”

“Ha, ha.”

Dani takes pity on her cousin. “Have you had a chance to try it out yet?”

“Definitely, got some dents in this bad boy.” Eddie shuffles his feet and scratches the back of his neck. “Yeah, of course. Who doesn’t want a piece of this?”

“With a human, an alive human?” Charles presses.

“Well,” At the combined eyebrow raises of Charles and Dani, Eddie wilts. “All right, all right, I kind of built a thing.”

“A thing.” Dani repeats.

“A doll.”

Dani and Charles exchange glances. “Well,” Charles finally says. “At least it’s relatively harmless.”

“I mean it’s hard.” Eddie whines. “I’m starting to think that the money I paid you was a waste of time.”

“No, no, no Eddie.” Dani says crossing the room to shake her cousin by the shoulders. Despite being male, her cousin is short enough for her move easily. “You just got to get some game. Tell you what, I got invited to one of my client’s parties tonight. Come with me and I’ll be your wingman, woman, whatever.”

Charles rolls his eyes. “Lying to everyone about your engagement ring isn’t game, Dani.”

“Yeah well, at least I’ve been getting some.” Dani smirks.

“Whatever, have fun with your lies.” Charles says as he stalks of the room.

“Have fun with your reruns.” Dani calls out behind him. “Fill that void in your sex life with shitty television.”

Charles pokes his head back in and flips Dani off.

* * *

Dressed in favorite soft turquoise dress (it even has pockets!), Dani steps out from her low-slung corvette and hauls her cousin behind her. He’s wearing an obnoxiously bright yellow satin shirt with an equally ridiculously tight black pants that do nothing to hide his paunch and skinny chicken legs. Dani’s just glad that he left behind his cat girl ensemble and decided to dress halfway normal for once.

“Now, I know that you don’t have any idea how to act around human beings Eddie.” She says as they walk towards the lit-up mansion. People mill around, dressed in understated finery but at least one piece of priceless jewelry on their person. Dani’s fire-engine red corvette doesn’t stand out from the Ferrari’s and Lamborghini’s parked. “First piece of advice: _don’t_ mention to Antonia about the Botox. Second, please don’t lick anyone without their permission. And third—”

“I get it Dani!” Eddie wrenches his arm away from her grip. “I’m not completely hopeless.”

They walk towards the entry way and the door opens to show a statuesque woman in tottering heels. Her expression is completely serious.

“Antonia! Great to see you again!” Dani cries, air kissing Antonia cheeks with gusto.

“Lovely to see you Dani.” Her lips barely move as she speaks. “Now if you would only see me for some more Botox.”

Dani laughs nervously. “Now Antonia, you know I told you that you have to stop for your own good.”

Antonia makes a noise that sounds more like a wheeze than a laugh, her lips barely moving and face frozen. “I’m kidding darling. Come inside.” She sweeps her hand inside and both Eddie and Dani walk in. A passing waiter holds a platter of colorful drinks and Antonia snags one with a straw. “Have a great time!”

They leave behind Antonia trying to drink from the straw but failing. “What’s her deal?” Eddie whispers furiously to Dani.

“Honestly, I didn’t notice she had a problem until it was too late.” Dani grimaces. “But the frozen Botox job was done by some hack in Indonesia and she went to another pseudo surgeon in Mexico for her fifth facelift. Too much money, too little sense.”

They glance back and catch Antonia as her drink dribbles past her frozen lips. Both shudders. They separate at the bar and mingle with the rich. Dani doesn’t have the chance to take a drink when Antonia’s oldest daughter finds her.

“Dani!” Eighteen years old and looking every inch her youth, Elizabeth says panicky. “My brother is hurt! He fell by the pool and now he’s bleeding really bad from his forehead!”

Dani abandons her fruity cocktail on the bar with a small sigh and follows the girl. They pass a dancing Eddie, throwing out ridiculous moves that makes the guests titter behind their hands. She snags the back of his satiny shirt and drags him behind her. “Come on Casanova, I have to attend an emergency. Go get my bag from the car.”

Eddie opens his mouth to argue but obeys when he sees her serious expression. Dani follows Elizabeth to the second story of the house to one of the bathrooms. A twelve-year-old boy sits on the edge of the closed toilet seat, blood streaming from his forehead.

“Well,” Dani says at the sight of the bleeding boy. “Headwounds always bleed worst.”

Eddie appears at the door with her bag and she takes it from him. She opens up her bag and turns to the sink to wash up her hands, removing the engagement ring from her finger and puts it in the pocket of her dress.

“So what happened?” she asks as she dabs at his forehead to clean the area.

“I got distracted.” He says morosely, not paying attention to her. “There was this really hot girl next to the pool and I slipped. Now she must think that I’m a total loser.”

“Hot, huh?” she asks distractedly as she cleans.

“Oh yeah, blonde, legs for miles. Totally gorgeous.” The boy sighs. “I’m in love.”

Dani laughs. “Need a moment to yourself, big boy?”

“NO!” the boy blushes and Dani laughs again while turning to prepare the local anesthetic.

“Hold still, this is going to hurt. I’m going to numb the area with an injection.” She quickly injects the anesthetic and mulls over his words. Dani doesn’t remember seeing any young kids other than Antonia’s offspring. “How old was she?”

“Older than me.” The boy gives her a telling glance. Then he finally notices that she’s a woman as well. “Well, she isn’t as old as you.”

Dani rolls her eyes. Geez even the kids have no respect nowadays. “Right, well Romeo you should be fine.” She turns to the anxious Elizabeth still hanging by the door. “Stop by next week and I’ll get the stitches out.”

Elizabeth hurries in to hug her younger brother and Dani snaps off the gloves before throwing them in the trash. She makes her way out of the room, shoving her medical bag in Eddie’s chest with a muttered comment for him to put it away in her car, and heads towards the bar again.

She’s on her second martini when she sees the most gorgeous woman walks between a group of c-list celebrities. Blonde haired, blue eyed, and wearing a clinging red dress that showcases the curve of her breasts and the span of her tiny waist, for a long moment Dani just stands there soaking her in. Surprisingly she stops next to her at the bar and orders a drink.

She turns to Dani with a flirtatious grin. “See something you like?”

Dani laughs. “Come on, you know you’re gorgeous.”

The other woman laughs, her white teeth flashing as she grabs her pink drink she ordered. “Palmer Dodge.”

“Daniela Maccabee, M.D.” She can’t help sneaking in the last part and extends her hand to Palmer. They shake. “Call me Dani, everyone does.”

“So, you’re Antonia’s plastic surgeon?” Palmer asks, drinking slowly.

Dani tilts her head with a wince. “Something like that.”

“Were you the one responsible for her face?”

Dani laughs. “Nah, I’ve been trying to fix it for her, but she just can’t help herself and ends up with hack jobs again.” She gives Palmer a sly wink. “Not that you’re one to talk, Ms. Distraction.”

“Me?”

Dani leans against the bar. “I just stitched up a hormonal preteen who says he got distracted by this smoking hot woman. I’d bet my license it was you.”

Palmer laughs again. “Well, aren’t you just a regular comedian.”

“Comedy was my passion.” Dani says in mock seriousness, one hand over her heart. “Sadly, clown school opened my eyes to the true situation: I wanted to be rich. So plastic surgery it is.”

Palmer chuckles again, sweeping her gaze over the rich and affluent at the party. “Any of these your clients besides Antonia?”

“Take a guess.”

Palmer hums as she sips her drink before discretely pointing at a woman with overblown lips laughing too loud at someone’s joke. “What about her?”

Dani snorts. “No, good God do I look like a hack?”

Palmer shrugs. This time she points out a man with his expression frozen to a slightly less degree than Antonia’s but obviously with too much Botox. “What about Mr. Saw over there?”

“No, oh my God Palmer, you’re messing with me, right?” Dani shakes her head with a small grin. “I was just named the best plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills.”

She can’t help but feel pride. Take that stupid Vernon.

Palmer nods her head. “I know, Antonia says you’re the best.” She tilts her head to a woman with a large forehead shaking her head at Eddie’s antics. “I was just about to say if she was your client too.”

“Now Palmer, some people are just born with too large foreheads.” She grins teasingly at the other woman. “You’re just a big meanie hiding behind a really attractive body.”

They share a laugh. Palmer looks slightly nervous before touching at Dani’s arm softly. “Do you want to go take a walk by the beach?”

Surprised but not wanting to show it, Dani nods. She drinks the last of her martini before following Palmer out the door. They walk by the ocean, talking and laughing. Finally, they stop by a huge rock and lean against it as they watch the waves lap at the sand.

“You know,” Palmer says softly while looking up at the moon. “I moved out here from North Carolina to be myself. I mean, I had plenty of opportunities to be a teacher there but… there’s not a lot of support for lesbians in the bible belt. Big surprise.”

“I grew up Jewish.” Dani gives her a supportive squeeze. “Then I figured out I was bisexual. Kind of a shocker for my orthodox parents.”

“How are you so comfortable in your skin?” Palmer asks facing Dani. “I mean, I’ve been here for like two years and I still feel like a backwards hick every time I’m around beautiful people. Like you.”

Dani turns to look at her. “Are you serious Palmer? You’re absolutely gorgeous. My clients wish they could have half of the attractiveness you have naturally.”

Palmer smiles shyly. “I know I’m pretty but—”

“No buts.” Dani says firmly, cupping Palmer’s face with her hands. Even with her heels dangling from her hands, Palmer is still two inches taller than Dani so she stands on her tip toes to look at her in the eye. “You’re stunning Palmer.”

Then she kisses her.

They fumble their way behind the rock, kissing furiously and shedding their clothes before falling on them. Whispered murmurs of loving praise falls from both of their lips, gasps and moans as they both caress each other with tenderness and ferocity at times. In the end, Palmer falls asleep before Dani, sprawled over the older woman’s chest.

Dani looks down at the sleeping blonde, a feeling of … something other than the usual satisfaction filling her chest. Maybe… maybe she’s the one. With a small grin on her face, she falls asleep.

The next morning, Palmer is the first to wake, cheerfully kissing Dani until the other finally awakens with a groan.

“Oh my back.” Dani groans as she sits up. Palmer laughs, tugging at her clothes under the other’s body. “I swear ten years ago this wouldn’t have been a problem.”

“All right, Nana.” Palmer rolls her eyes with a laugh. “Come on, someone might see us.”

Palmer grabs at Dani’s dress accidentally almost putting it on before noticing. She laughs and shakes it at Dani. “Hey this is—” a glittering ring falls from the fabric. Palmer’s face freezes. “What’s this?”

“A circle?” Dani tries, her heart pounding in her chest.

“This is a fucking engagement ring, Dani.” Palmer picks up the ring just to throw it at Dani.

“Palmer, this isn’t what it looks like.” Dani takes her dress and shoves it on, suddenly feeling very vulnerable.

Palmer jerks her dress on then lurches to her feet. “I’m such an idiot.”

“No, Palmer, no. I swear this isn’t—“

“Then why Dani, do you have an engagement ring?” Palmer snaps angrily. She stomps to her shoes and grabs them. “My parents divorced because of some tramp that broke up their marriage and now you… you made me a tramp like her!”

“Palmer, just listen to me, I—” Dani pleads behind her as Palmer stomps away angrily. “Palmer!”

Palmer stops in place and turns to face Dani. “No, don’t come near me. I will not be the second woman.” Her gorgeous face is suddenly stricken. “Are you even engaged to a woman? Was I a sick little experiment with your sexuality?”

“No! God Palmer why would you—”

“You know what, never mind. See you never.”

Dani stops following the other woman and just watches her go. Eddie suddenly appears from behind a sand dune, hair and face covered in sand. “Tough luck Dani.”

She glares at her cousin. “Come on, asshole, we have to get going.” Suddenly another head pops up next to Eddie and Dani just barely muffles a scream. The overly botoxed guy from earlier gives her what must pass for a smile on his frozen face.

* * *

Dani stomps into her office with a vengeance. From the look on Charles’s face and the way her hands seem stuck on her back, she gets the feeling that she just looks like a sore loser instead.

“So, how’d your party go?” Charles ventures, taking off his glasses so he can peer at her better. Today he’s wearing a gray fuzzy sweater and faded black slacks, brown hair frizzy.

She glares at him and tries to stretch but stops at the pain in her back. “Just peachy, Charles. How were your reruns?”

He gives her a critical one over. “Well, at the very least I don’t have some sort of back problem.”

She sticks her tongue out at him and limps her way to the counter. “I met the love of my life, Charles.” She sighs. “And then I blew it.”

“Did your stupid engagement thing not work out?” Charles asks distractedly as he types away on his computer, attention again on his work.

“Charles, for once I met a girl without the need of that ring. She’s gorgeous, funny, and so absolutely pure.” Dani sighs dreamily. “And the sex was fucking fantastic. Even if I now have sand in places I would really rather not.”

“So?”

“So then when we’re getting dressed that stupid ring falls out of my dress and ruins everything.”

Charles looks up in surprise. “Wait, you’re telling me that for once in nearly twenty years you finally got together with someone without the ring?”

Dani nods, her face in her hands. “Palmer is my soulmate. I just know it. But I blew it.”

“So why don’t you just tell her the truth?” Charles begins typing away again.

“Yeah, I’d rather not tell the twenty-four year old bombshell that I pick up dates using a sob story about my engagement ring that I kept after my dick of an ex-fiancé called me an hideous monster because of my nose.” Dani brings her hand to her nose self-consciously. “She’ll think I’m some sort of scumbag using the ring to have sex without any commitment.”

“Well, aren’t you?” Charles asks innocently.

Dani shrieks and bats at his head. “Shut up!”

Charles laughs as he easily ducks her blows. “All right, you’re not a scumbag.”

Satisfied, Dani settles back against the counter. “Look, I’m going to try to find her and talk to her. I can’t let her slip away.”

“Sure, Dani.” Charles says obviously humoring her. His phone suddenly rings, the picture of his ten-year-old daughter popping up. “Maggie, what’s wrong?”

Dani waits patiently as her receptionist/office manager/best friend argues with his daughter over the phone and then the babysitter apparently. Finally, he hangs up, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. “Tell you what Dani, if you’re sure that you want this with her, just make sure that it’s the real deal. Because love… can’t pick up all the slack in a relationship.”

Dani grimaces. She’d heard all about Charles’s bitter divorce before. “Did she cancel on the kids again?”

“Fifth weekend in a row.” Charles says grimly before blowing out a deep breath. “Your ten o’clock should be here any moment. And I’ll probably have to bring my kids here sometime in the afternoon, Rosa apparently can only take care of them until three.”

“Great.” Dani says without enthusiasm. “You know I don’t mind you having your kids here for an hour until we close. It’s not like they’re babies.”

She shudders exaggeratedly. Charles rolls his eyes in response as he watches her limp her way to her office. “Maybe you should strengthen your spine.”

“Are you commenting on my physical or moral spine?” she shoots back.

He laughs. “Both. Take the stairs like I do!”

She grumbles and disappears behind her office door.

* * *

  
Three o’clock comes around fairly quickly. It’s a Saturday, so it’s mostly walk-ins who just can’t wait for a proper consultation on weekdays. Dani spends most of her time standing around Charles’s desk gossiping as the man works.

“Hullo Papa!” A posh English accent takes Dani by surprise and she turns to see the newcomers.

A round-faced girl almost at Dani’s shoulder height barrels past her and goes to hug Charles. A morose looking boy with flattened brown hair skulks into the office and plops into a chair. What Dani believes is their babysitter walks behind them, ignoring them all for her phone as she types away while popping her gum. Dani turns to look at Charles, only to see him in a furious conversation with his daughter.

“Is that your babysitter?” She asks incredulously.

Charles reluctantly stops his conversation and turns to look at the teenager leaning against the doorframe with no concern if there’s a client coming in. “Yeah, Lupita just had twins, so her sister Rosa is filling in for her.” At the sound of her name, Rosa looks up but quickly returns her attention to her phone. “Trust me when I say we’re all waiting for Lupita anxiously. Kids say hello to Dr. Maccabee.”

“Hullo, Doctor Dani, how are we doing on this fine mornin’?”

Taken aback, Dani looks at Charles for help. “Why is she talking like that?”

Charles sighs. “She’s taking acting classes.”

“I am taking a Stella Adler acting class this summer.” Maggie says with a dreamy look in her eyes. “I am going to be the next Miley Cyrus, just you see.”

Dani is saved from having to respond by the sudden outburst from Michael. “Dad, I want money.”

Charles shakes his head. “Michael, behave.”

A defiant look crosses the boy’s face. “Rosa lets me watch Californication.”

Charles sighs again before giving Dani a look. “I yearn for the day Lupita comes back.”

Michael pops up again. “Will you take us to Hawaii to swim with the dolphins, Dr. Dani?”

“Michael!”

“What? You said she was rich!”

Stifling a giggle, Dani aims for serious. “Yeah, I’m rich. Doesn’t mean I’m going to take you to Hawaii.”

“So? Rich people do charity all the time.” A mutinous expression settles on the eight-year-old’s face.

“That means soup kitchens and donations, not taking my receptionist’s kids to Hawaii.” Dani says with a half-smile. These kids are something. “And personally, I focus on giving free operations on cleft lips and deformities.”

Michael muses on this for two seconds. “If I had a cleft lip, would you take me to Hawaii?”

Against her will, Dani laughs. “No, but points for creativity.”

Charles groans and shuffles some money out of his wallet. “Here, have some money.” Maggie quickly moves to grab the money and he keeps it out of her reach. “Maggie, you better eat the food I’m paying for.”

She rolls her eyes but nods. Satisfied, Charles gives her the money.

Michael chooses this moment to interrupt. “Dad, I want to take a devlin.”

“Sure, the bathroom is down the hall.” He taps Maggie’s shoulder. “Take the key and make sure he gets there safely.”

Once they’re out of the room, Dani turns to face Charles. “A what?”

“I know, don’t judge me.” Charles groans and sinks back in his chair. “Devlin was my ex in college. She was a real bitch, you’d like her. Horribly superficial and the lies, ugh. Anyway, one day when I was having a glass of wine—"

“A glass?”

“Okay, two boxes of cheap wine, I just got tired of hearing them saying they wanted to ‘crap’ or take a ‘dump’ and I told them it was called a devlin and it just … stuck.” He covers his face with a hand and peeks at her through his fingers.

Dani laughs. “I like it. I’m going to use it. Sounds just like the devlin I’d do. Now onto the serious matters. What am I going to do about my love life?”

Charles rolls his eyes. “I’m so terribly invested in your convoluted romantic life so that you can continue picking up co-eds. And yet, I can’t bring myself to care at this very moment.”

“Charles, you can’t just let me sit in this devlin. I mean, that be a very devliny move of you as my friend.” Charles laughs. “No but seriously, I can see myself settling down with her.”

“I don’t think she’d take you seriously if you tell her the truth.” Charles says somberly. “So, I guess the truth is out.”

Suddenly Rosa shrieks, her hand poised to throw her phone at the floor when she realizes where she’s at and settles into a chair.

Charles and Dani look at each other. “And anyway, there’s still the possibility it could go south like with my ex.”

“Yeah, but your ex is a piece of devlin.” Dani says seriously.

* * *

Dani shakes her hands nervously before picking up the elegant bouquet she’d bought for Palmer. She waits outside the school where Palmer told her she was working at until she sees the gorgeous woman.

“Palmer!” At the sound of her voice, Palmer freezes before turning to glare daggers at her. Still, she allows Dani to come near her even if she doesn’t take the flowers.

“What are you doing here?” Palmer hisses at her. “I could get fired if they see me with some stranger outside the school. Get that shit out of my face.”

“I wanted to tell you the truth, Palmer.” Dani says feeling slightly hurt. Was she embarrassed? Palmer calms down some and motions her to go on. “I was engaged, that’s true. But the wedding’s called off, I swear!”

“Oh my god, oh my god, I really did break up a relationship.” Palmer covers her mouth with a shaky hand. “This is exactly what I didn’t want.”

“No, no Palmer.” Dani tosses the flowers to the ground and grabs one of Palmer’s hands. “Listen to me, I had a long-term relationship, with a guy yeah, and we thought it was time to put a ring on it, but it didn’t work out. I swear our relationship was on the rocks for a long time before you came along.”

“If it’s so bad, why don’t you just leave him?”

“I am.” Palmer looks taken aback at Dani’s vehemence. “I swear it was already my plan before I met you. I just, it’s habit to carry around the ring and I haven’t gotten around to give it back.”

Palmer scrutinizes Dani’s face. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah!” Dani scrambles for something more substantial. “I mean he’s moved out and once I give him back the ring, it’ll be like he never existed.”

“That’s kinda harsh.” Palmer frowns. “How long were you with this guy?”

“Uh, ten years.” Dani lies quickly.

“And just like that, it’s over?”

“Yes, I promise!”

Palmer stares at her in silence for several beats. “Okay.”

Dani is surprised. “Really?”

“Well, I guess I trust you.” Palmer says before frowning. “But what’s his name?”

“Devlin.” Shit, shit, shit. This is going to blow up in her face so bad. “His name is Devlin.”

“Devlin? I’ve never heard that name before.”

Dani fakes a sympathetic wince. “I know, terribly unfortunate. Must be why he has so much anger issues. I mean the name, the lack of complete humanity. Terrible combination.”

“Uh-huh.” Palmer looks suspicious again. “I want to meet him.”

“What?”

Palmer raises one eyebrow. “Why? Is there a problem?”

“Noo…” Dani trails off. “No problem at all. I’ll uh call you. He’s always you know, trying to waste my money jetting around the world and all that. I’ll tell you when he’s in the country.”

“Right.” Palmer sets her shoulders and takes Dani’s hand. “I just want to make sure that there are no hard feelings you know. I really don’t want to come between such a long-term relationship like that.”

“No, of course not Palmer. I mean, our relationship was already shitty and then I catch him in bed with some Austrian hunk who he calls Dolph Lundgren. Not the one from Rocky, another one. And he kinda hates it when you bring up the other one.” _Just shut up Dani!_ Palmer’s eyebrows go up. “Anyway, yeah, our relationship is truly dead, in flames. Deader than a boiled lobster.”

 _Really? A boiled lobster?_ Dani groans inwardly.

“Okay, Dani, I look forward to it.” Palmer crouches to scoop up the flowers and gives her a smile. “I’ll be waiting for your call.”

* * *

Dani walks down the avenue at a brisk pace, Charles trailing behind her like a lost puppy.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this.” He mutters.

“Well, if you think it through,” Dani muses. “It’s kinda your fault for telling me that I couldn’t fess up to the truth.”

Charles rolls his eyes. “If only you hadn’t spun a web of deceit in the first place because of that stupid ring.”

Dani shrugs. “I couldn’t provide a plausible explanation that doesn’t show me as a complete and utter loser, so I thought on my feet.”

“And your master plan was to say that I’m Devlin and your cheating ex who slept with a Dolph Lundgren.” Charles says sarcastically.

“I got nervous, okay!” Dani fires back. “She was asking too many questions and I panicked.”

“You invent a sob story every time you go crawling through bars!”

“I know, Charles.” Dani stops in her tracks and Charles just barely avoids mowing her down. “It’s just, she’s special you know. I really, really like her and if I hadn’t had that stupid ring with me that night, I’d be with her somewhere special right now instead of with you to give you a makeover.”

“Well, for starters, if things work out with her don’t you think she’ll recognize me if she ever goes into the office?” Charles crosses his arms. “And anyway, I have several nice things to wear, you don’t have to buy me anything.”

“Okay look, your clothes are fine for a receptionist. All GAP vintage and all that, but for a plastic surgeon’s boy toy? No way.” Dani pokes at Charles’s chest, half-surprised when it doesn’t give under her finger but plows on. “And second, there’s a reason why fake mustaches are sold.”

Charles scowls and bats her hand away. “Fine, but don’t say I didn’t try to spare your bank account.”

He stalks past her and into Barney’s. Dani groans, already feeling the massive dent on her credit cards. A saleswoman quickly notices Dani’s muted elegance and shows up at her side.

“Hello Ms.?”

“Maccabee.” Dani says with a smile. “But we’re here for some clothes for my honey bun over here.”

Charles scowls and the saleslady stumbles back a step. “I’ll uh, see what I can do.”

Less than ten minutes later, she’s back with a mountain of clothes and herds them towards the dressing room. She throws a couple of outfits at Charles and practically shoves him into the dressing room.

“Make sure you come outside so I can see you.” Something very suspiciously like ‘fuck off’ comes from the dressing room. “What? I’m paying. I want to see.”

The door swings open and Dani practically swallows her tongue. A man wearing a thin t-shirt that showcases very nicely defined biceps and a pair of gray sweatpants encasing thick thighs steps out, one that mysteriously has Charles’s face.

“What the hell?” she says finally. The saleslady turns to her with a smirk.

“These clothes can transform anyone.”

“I’m not sure this fits right.” Charles fidgets with the shirt, making his arms flex and Dani just about salivates right in the middle of Barney’s.

“Are you kidding me?” She says. “You have muscles?”

Charles sends her an annoyed look. “Yeah, and they’re natural too.” He snaps, before stomping back into the dressing room, allowing Dani to recover her blown dignity.

“Wait until you see the suit combo. It isn’t tailored but I have a feeling you’ll like it.” The saleslady whispers conspiratorially. Dani just nods, a bit shell-shocked at the sight of her usually frizzled receptionist looking like an absolute snack.

She doesn’t say anything else at Charles after that and she turns to her phone instead. When Charles has picked out his outfits, she finally turns back to look at him. Once again in his usual fuzzy sweater and slightly scruffy chinos, she finds it much easier to resume their camaraderie.

“Okay, so we’ve got clothes out of the way. Now just shoes and accessories.” Dani says as she hands over her black credit card with barely a wince as she pays for his clothes. “Then we’re going to get you a spa treatment, mani, pedi, the works, and then to a salon.”

Charles rolls his eyes. “Fine.”

They breeze through the shoes, Charles happy to pick up a couple of pairs that would work for him at work but also expensive enough to classify boy-toy status. And then they hit the accessories. The belts were easy enough, it isn’t until they reach the watches that Dani feels dismay.

“No Charles, you are not getting a Rolex.” She says for what feels like the fortieth time.

“It’s been so long since I had a real watch. I always use my MiBand instead of a watch.” Charles looks at his wrist with the watch longingly, twisting it this way and that. “You want me to look the part, don’t you?”

She turns with a heavy heart towards to the salesman. “How much?”

“For that model?” He gives her a smarmy smile that doesn’t reassure her at all. “Thirty grand.”

“What?!” she shrieks. “That’s more than what my parents’ house cost. No, no way.”

“You know, I think you’re right.” Charles gives her a look. “I think I’m getting a case of the devlins. I’m not going to make it to the dinner after all.”

“Fine.” She grouses. “Take it, what do I care about the state of my bank account?”

Charles chuckles and looks at the bewildered salesman. “I’ll take this one and the Louis Vuitton and Breitling smartwatches.”

“You sicken me.” Dani says to Charles. “And that right there is your Christmas bonus.”

He shrugs before picking out another two watches at Dani’s words. “Maybe that’s why we broke up.” But she can see that he’s starting to have fun.

They move on to the next order of business: the spa. Looking at the flurry of activity around Charles, Dani sighs and just gives him her card before wandering off. Two hours later, instead of meeting up with Charles outside the spa she left him, he sends her a text to pick him up at a waxing clinic. She double and triple checks the name of the business but sure enough he’s just leaving the building when she walks up.

“Why am I paying for a wax?” She asks bewildered. “Who’s going to see it?”

“Not you.” Charles retorts with a grin.

She rolls her eyes and slots her arm in his as they go to their next stop: the salon.

“And you’re the … wife?” Ernesto asks Dani as he tuts disapprovingly at Charles.

“No, just the temporary fiancée.”

“She’s leaving me.” Charles informs Ernesto helpfully.

“Well, what can you expect? Look at this hair! It’s dreadful! It’s a crime against hair religion!”

“I know Ernesto, it’s sacrilegious. I can’t risk having kids with that mop of unruliness.” Dani sighs.

Charles chuckles. “Can you fix it Ernesto?”

“Fix it? Honey, an act of God could fix it. But I, I am transcendent!” He claps his hands. “Sherry, Janet, Katya, bring in the big guns. We’re going to have to go deep.”

After the whirlwind of hair restoration, Ernesto steps back to allow Charles to look at his reflection. His formerly frizzy locks fall in soft ringlets on his head, brown locks streaked with blonde and just unruly enough to look like he just tumbled out of bed. Combined with the now carefully trimmed beard, Charles looks attractive enough to pass for a model.

“Huh.” He says as he stares at his reflection. “Well I’ll be damned.”

Behind him, Dani gives her card to Ernesto in a daze.

* * *

In the end, Dani couldn’t bring herself to thrust Charles into her web of deceit the same day that he discovered the beauty in himself again. Instead she told him that she’d see him at the Santa Monica hotel the next morning for brunch with Palmer.

Now, leg jiggling, she sits beside Palmer in one of the outside tables as she nervously takes a sip at a mimosa. Charles is late.

She checks her watch anxiously and Palmer notices.

“Hey, I’m sorry to put you through this.” She murmurs with a soft smile.

“No, it’s fine. It’s just that he… this whole thing makes me tense.” Dani says. “We don’t really get along that well anymore.”

“I’m sorry.” Palmer says again. “But I swear this’ll be the last time I make you do this.”

 _I fucking hope so,_ Dani thinks desperately after checking her watch again. Then she hears the throaty purr of a motorcycle.

Taking in the stylish leather jacket straining to contain thick biceps and jeans tugged delightfully tight against sinful thighs of the rider as they carefully park the sleek black monstrosity against the curb, Dani stares in fascination. _No, it can’t be._ But sure enough, as the rider takes off his helmet and throws on a pair of Ray-Bans, Dani wheezes out a breath at the confirmation of Charles’s identity. His jacket is unzipped, a crisp white dress shirt with two buttons undone at his neck tucked into his jeans to showcase his trim waist. His jeans look molded to his wickedly thick thighs as he strolls casually with a pair of black boots on his feet. Combined with his windswept curls and dark stubble, all the women turn to look at him and more than one man as he walks purposely towards the hotel.

“Is that him?” Palmer whispers next to her, jerking her attention back to the mission at hand.

“I guess so.” Dani says dazedly. Well, most of her attention.

“Jesus, he’s gorgeous.” Palmer says in awe. “And I’m a lesbian.”

Palmer suddenly fidgets, aware that she’s dressed casually in a pair of jean shorts and a t-shirt.

“He spends a lot of my money to look like that, though.” Dani says as she notices Palmer’s sudden discomfort.

Charles stops in the middle of the little courtyard where they’re sitting at, looks around before catching sight of them. He smiles, the flash of his perfect teeth making more than a couple of women sigh.

“Maccabee!” he calls out as he strides towards their table with those disgustingly enviously long legs of his.

“Charles,” Dani manages to grit out. They exchange a hug and Dani takes advantage to whisper furiously in his ear. “Are you fucking serious?”

“Just playing the part.” He whispers back and then he sits, staring at both women with curiosity in his green eyes. “Hello, aren’t you just the cutest? I’m Devlin Murphy, almost Maccabee, but thankfully never-acabee!”

He laughs and the two girls laugh nervously with him. A waitress chose to stop by at that moment.

“Would you like a drink, sir?” She asks with a friendly smile and a wink.

Charles turns his attention to the waitress. “Well, hello to you too sweet cheeks. Bring me a scotch and just let them keep coming.” As she turns to leave, he wolf-whistles. Dani grits her teeth and gives him a look. He merely shrugs and turns to Palmer again. “So, you and Dani had sex.”

Palmer promptly spits out her drink. “I-I didn’t know that she was you know, in a relationship. If I’d have known, I would have never—”

Charles waves one large hand in an airy wave. “All water under the bridge, sweetheart. I’m just glad that Ms. Climacteric over here could even focus on sex.”

“Climacteric?” Palmer echoes.

“Oh, I forgot your fifteen, dear.” Charles says with a grin before sipping at his scotch that the waitress had brought him. “Menopause in layman’s terms. You know what they say, menopause make a woman go crazy. I was going insane. The heat flashes, the dry vagina, the absolute crazy whackadoodle that I had to live with. Man, I am glad you love her. Let me tell you, I was tired of buying lube for this desert.”

“Maybe it wouldn’t be a desert if you actually put some effort into it.” Dani says teeth clenched.

“Lots of people think I put effort into sex, Maccabee.” Charles says with a smirk. “Trust me.”

“I’m surprised you even remember.” Dani shoots back. Palmer looks back and forth between the two as they argue. “What with your pill popping. I swear, you shot them down like tic tacs.”

Charles frowns. “Well, anyone can get bored with the Queen on the throne all the time.” He whispers conspiratorially at Palmer, not bothering to really keep his voice down. “Irritable Bowel Syndrome, yikes!”

“Great another disease.” Dani mutters under her breath. She gulps down her mimosa and scowls at Charles as he gives a load of shit to Palmer about their sad sex life and her love for the toilet. Just as he starts talking about the smell of shrimp fajitas when they’re coming out the ass, Dani kicks at Charles’s leg.

“Ow!” yelps Palmer. She turns to glare at Dani. “Did you just kick me?”

“No.” Dani deflects the attention to Charles. “Devlin, did you kick Palmer?”

She stares him down.

“Yes,” he says grudgingly. “Leg spasms.” With that, he kicks at Dani’s shin. “Terribly sorry, they’re left over from my ‘pill popping’ days. I’m clean now, thank god but you know, you just can’t shake the consequences.”

“Oh,” Palmer says as she looks down to rub at her leg. “No, it’s fine.”

Taking advantage of the moment, Dani angrily texts Charles. **_What the fuck are you doing?_**

**_Being your douche of an ex._ **

**_Yeah well ixnay on the oucheday a bit. You’re going overboard! It’s starting to look like cartoonish._ **

Scowling, Charles quickly sends back. **_You’re a cartoon! And she’s looking at you!_**

Dani looks up and sees Palmer looking at her suspiciously. She quickly fires off a sappy text to Palmer. Palmer notices her message and coos at her.

“Okay, how about we all just leave our phones.” Dani announces. Charles puts his away first and the Palmer.

“So,” Palmer says hesitantly. “Tell me how you two met.”

“I worked for him.” Charles says in a much-subdued tone. “I was her receptionist, ran her office and then I had to run her life.”

“Are you still working there?” Palmer says, flashing a look at Dani.

“No,” Charles says quickly. “She employed someone else. Someone with a mustache.”

 _God, kill me now._ Dani groans inwardly. But Charles quickly reins in the conversation and after a couple more drinks, non-alcoholic this time, manages to start the conversation flowing.

“So it turns out this woman had three saline implants in each breast. The doctor who did her enlargement just shoved them in there like stuffing a turkey.” Charles says with a laugh.

“Oh yeah,” Dani chuckles. “It was like setting wild horses free when I finally took them out.”

“They literally got up and ran out the office.” Charles finishes off. The three of them laugh but Dani gives a meaningful look at Charles and he nods. “All jokes aside, Palmer, Dani is the best woman in the world. It may not have worked out for us. But she is warm and kind and loving. You are a lucky girl to have found her. So I give you my blessing. I am happy for you both.”

Palmer smiles at him warmly before reaching out to Dani’s hand. Dani gives a subtle wink at Charles, satisfied with his performance.

“Thank you, Devlin. You don’t know how much that means to me.” She turns to look at Dani with a soft look on her face. “I told Dani that I wouldn’t be able to be with her until I knew that your relationship was truly over.”

“Oh, it is.” Charles says surely. “I’m with, uh, Dolph.”

“Lundgren.” Palmer adds.

“Yep,” Charles doesn’t bat an eye. “Dolph Lundgren. My Austrian lover and friend. He’s just stunning. Total sex machine on legs and we’re very, very happy.”

“And I’m very happy for them.” Dani interjects. “So, we’ve separated as amicably as possible to make sure we keep everything working smoothly. Separately.”

Both smiles at Palmer. She gives them a beaming smile back and turns to look for the waitress. Taking advantage Charles leans towards Dani.

“How’d I do?”

“Nailed it!” Dani singsongs to him softly. They bump fists discreetly under the table.

Palmer insists on walking him to his motorcycle, so Dani has no choice but watch up close the way his thighs nestle around the frankly disturbingly sexy motorcycle.

“It was great meeting you Palmer.” He says as he balances his helmet in his hands. Palmer surprises Dani by giving him an air kiss.

“Likewise, Devlin.”

“I’m really, really thrilled for you both. Even though marriage wasn’t in the books for us, I still want to see my Dani-bear as happy as possible. And as long as I get to keep this baby right here.” He caresses the gas tank lovingly. “I’m just peachy.”

Charles’s phone rings and he takes it out annoyed. “What?” he barks out, completely forgetting about Dani and Palmer standing there. “Again? No, put her on. What did I tell you about selling your brother’s things on eBay? Well I want you to get it back. I’ll deal with you when I get home.”

Palmer stares at Charles in wide-eyed disbelief. Dani feels like she has a reasonable motive for murder.

“You have kids?” Palmer asks.

“Uh,” Charles panics with no way out. “Yes?”

“You _have kids?_ ” Palmer turns to Dani this time.

“Sort of?” Dani offers.

Palmer crosses her arms, a familiar look on her face. “What do you mean sort of?”

“Well, I mean, they’re not mine by blood.” Dani says hedgingly. “I mean I totally raised them, even if you know, the kids totally came from another person. Because that’s me raising some other person’s kid.”

Charles glares at Dani but adopts an easy expression when Palmer turns to look at him. “Yeah, Dani was too busy with her career to put it on hold for children.”

Palmer swings her glare back to Dani, who grits her teeth. “Well, excuse me for not wanting us to starve _Devlin!_ ”

“Don’t make me out to be the villain Dani. Those kids are yours too.” Charles says heatedly. “You wanted them just as much as I did!”

Dani gives him a look. _What the hell?_ Charles fidgets. _Sorry_.

“And were you ever planning on telling me about these children, Dani?” Palmer asks.

A beat of silence. Then the motorcycle revs to life. “So, speaking of the children,” Charles says with an uneasy grin before jamming his helmet on. “I should be getting to them. Nice meeting you Palmer. Dani.”

“Devlin.” Dani grits out. Charles peels out of there like a bat from hell. Palmer taps her foot impatiently. “Okay, look, I wasn’t ready to tell you. I mean, I thought you would be scared off. A forty-year-old with a douche of an ex with kids, not exactly the biggest catch you know? Are you scared off?”

Palmer stares at her for a long moment before grinning. “Are you kidding? I love kids! And at first, I don’t know… you seemed a bit stand-offish for kids, but this is perfect. I so want to meet them!”

“Yay.” Dani says.

“Nothing more attractive than parenthood.” Palmer says with a grin. “What are their names?”

Dani flounders for a moment. “Kiki and Bart. They’re great. Kiki has long hair and Bart likes to go to the bathroom with Kiki.”

“God,” Palmer dances in place, Dani smiling at her antics. “I need to meet them.”

“Of course, you do.” Dani mutters.

* * *

And so, the next day Dani finds herself at Pizza Hut with two little squirts that she’d never had to talk to alone before. Michael devours a slice of pepperoni, but Maggie just stares at Dani suspiciously.

“So dad doesn’t know that you have us here?” She says narrowing her eyes.

“Stranger danger.” Michael says before inhaling another slice.

“I’m not a stranger. I’m your dad’s boss. Besides,” she gestures at Rosa flirting with the cashier. “Your babysitter is over there.”

Maggie doesn’t look convinced but lets it slide.

“Anyway, I have a proposal for the both of you.” Dani rubs her hands together. “I wanted to run it by you two first before I rope your dad into it.”

The kids stare at her.

“I want you to pretend to be my kids.” Before she can continue, Maggie shakes her head in disappointment. “What?”

“Just tell the poor girl the truth.” She says Michael nodding sagely beside her.

“Wait, you _know?_ ” Dani says disbelievingly.

“Father tells us everything.” Maggie says with a sniff.

Dani narrows her eyes. Little rugrats. “Okay, first of all, telling Palmer isn’t in the cards. Besides, I thought you wanted to be an actress? This is an acting job.”

“If it’s a job, I want to get paid.” Maggie says firmly.

“You’ll get paid in experience.”

Maggie gives her a squinty look. “Will it help for my SAG card?”

“No.”

“Then I want money.”

Dani shrugs. “All right. In exchange for being my kids one afternoon, what do you want?”

The kids bring their heads together and whisper. Then Maggie turns back to her.

“I want 600 dollars for the day plus overtime if we go over eight hours. I’ll do my own make-up and hair, but I want you to pay for a six-week intensive acting camp that dad can’t afford.”

Dani scoffs. “Yeah, not gonna happen Julia Roberts. I’ll give you fifty dollars for the day and I’ll pay for a two-week acting class at the YMCA.”

“500 dollars and a 4-week acting class.”

“300 and three weeks.”

Maggie stares at her before smiling. “Done.” They shake on it.

Dani stares at her, a half-smile at the moxie on this girl. “You know, I would have paid you the five hundred.”

“I would have done it for the experience.” Maggie says with a grin.

Dani laughs. Okay, score one for the rugrats. She turns to Michael now.

“And you, sour patch, what do you want?”

“I want you to take me to Hawaii so I can swim with the dolphins.” Michael says after swallowing.

“No dice.” Dani shakes her head. “Pick anything else.”

“Find someone else then.” Michael says before returning to his pizza. He chews loudly, holding eye contact with Dani while doing so.

“All right, mafia.” Dani scowls. “The dolphins are out of the question. But I want to negotiate. Win-win for both. What else can I do for you?”

Michael thinks it over for a moment. “I want a flying pony.”

“There is no such thing as a flying pony.” Dani says deadpan.

Michael chews for another couple of seconds. “Okay, then I want a regular pony. I want to name him Nelson.”

Dani bangs her head on the table. “There will be no pony. How about I buy you a Nintendo Switch and you can name that Nelson?”

Michael nods. “Keep talking.”

“A Switch with… three games.” Dani says wildly. She has no idea how many games are even available for the damn thing.

“Five games, one of them Animal Crossing.” He sets down his pizza and puts his palms on the table, slowly and deliberately. “And I want to meet this woman at J.D McFunnigans.”

“Okay, now we’re talking.” Dani nods slowly. “I can make that happen.”

“And I want unlimited tokens.” Michael brings down an elbow on the table and points at Dani. “I don’t want to be playing skeeball and run out of tokens, you hear?”

“All right,” Dani nods. “So we have a deal?” Both kids stick out their hands and Dani quickly shakes both. “Excellent, now eat the pizza.”

Maggie makes a face but reaches for the pizza. Dani gives her a warm smile before reaching for her own. They chew in silence for a couple of moments.

“Can I have an accent?”

“No.”

* * *

“Are you kidding me Dani?” Charles says angrily as he stomps out of Dani’s private office. “My kids? You’ve roped _my kids_ into this? Has the gonorrhea finally gone to your brain?”

“Are you kidding _me?_ ” Dani says, hurrying to catch up with Charles’s longer strides. “The only reason I have to find some child actors on a short notice is because you freaked out on me and completely dropped the ball. ‘They’re your kids Dani’” she mutters in a faux deep voice.

“Well if _you_ admitted you were a freak, then none of this would happen.” Charles retorts.

“But I can’t, so it does. Come on, Charles.” Dani wheedles. “It’ll be good for them.”

“How?” Charles asks as he sinks into his chair.

“Maggie can finally have some real-world acting experience, for one.” Dani pauses. “And Michael can be coaxed out of his shell.”

Charles shakes his head before grabbing at his clipboard. “Come on you have an appointment.” Dani follows him and keeps wheedling at him. “I can’t believe you’re doing all this just because you want to get laid.”

“Hi, Mrs. Drufflestein,” Dani greets the primly seated lady with a smile. It’s obvious what the problem is: one of her eyebrows is nearly at the top of her head. “Got some brow trouble I see.” The older lady nods slowly, slightly confused by the barrage of words between the doctor and her assistant. “And anyway Charles, this isn’t just about me getting laid. Although I’m very pro-getting laid. And I would like to continue be getting laid.” She snaps on a pair of gloves before touching Mrs. Drufflestein’s forehead. “Does this hurt?”

“No.”

With a quick nod, Dani manipulates the skin around the older lady’s forehead. “But I’m actually crazy about her. She’s wicked smart and kind. Great sense of humor. And—” she pauses in her ministrations before turning to look at Charles. “Are you wearing cologne?”

“I, uh.” Charles fidgets with his pen and clipboard. “Maybe.”

“You don’t wear cologne.” Dani says attention solely on Charles.

“Well, now I do.” He still doesn’t meet her eyes.

Dani’s eyes widen and she turns completely in his direction, Mrs. Drufflestein completely forgotten. “Oh my god, you have a date!”

“It’s not a _date_.” Charles says a flush on his cheeks. “It’s just lunch.”

“With who?” Dani demands. “A female person? A man person?”

“It’s a female person, it you must know.” Charles says now moving his feet nervously. “Dr. Herlihy’s office manager, Bernadette.”

“The one that always wears black and has the long creepy nails?” Dani says wiggling her hands. “She looks like she could play Morticia Addams and actually get away with it.”

Mrs. Drufflestein absently pokes at her forehead, as engrossed in the conversation as the other two.

“Well, she is a self-admitted goth.” Charles mutters. “And she enjoys her trips to Transylvania once a year.”

“So, she’s a vampire then.” Dani taps her chin thoughtfully. “When did she make time to stop her human sacrifices to ask you out?”

“Yesterday,” Charles says defensively. “In the parking lot.”

“In the parking lot?” Dani scoffs before turning back to Mrs. Drufflestein. “I can try to inject it with Botox right now and see if it gets better but I think the best course of action is to schedule you for a preliminary on the twenty-eighth to see if surgery is the better option.”

Suddenly Charles’s phone rings. Dani turns her attention back to him. “Is that her?” Charles nods. “Can I talk to her?”

“Hush.” Then Charles’s answers with a completely unfamiliar deep voice. “Why, hello, Bernadette. Yes, everything is still fine. Sounds great. I’ll see you in lobby at 1.”

He hangs up. Dani stares at him. “What the hell was that?”

“What do you mean?” Dani mimics the deep voice and Charles blushes. “That’s my normal voice.”

“No, that’s the fourteen-year-old who’s voice keeps cracking and tries too hard to be a ‘man’ voice.”

Mrs. Drufflestein giggles. “I know that voice!”

“Of course, you do, Mrs. Drufflestein.” Charles says. “Here’s your reminder slip for the next appointment.”

Mrs. Drufflestein takes it but looks unsure as of what to do.

“Anyway Charles,” Dani says. “It’s just for one afternoon!”

Charles glares at her. “No, you’re asking me to bring my children to your pathetic little dysfunctional family lying game and I am not going to do it!”

Dani stares off into space. “You should have seen Michael’s face when we were negotiating. Little rascal looked like he won the lottery when I agreed to take him to J.D. McFunnigans. Never seen Mr. Gloom smile so much.” She turns to Mrs. Drufflestein. “Thank you for coming today, I’ll see you on the twenty-eighth!”

Bemused, Mrs. Drufflestein lets herself out. Charles takes advantage of the moment and squares off against Dani. “Did he really smile?” Dani nods and he softens.

“Besides making Grumpy Bear smile, I also got Maggie to eat.”

Charles looks surprised. “She ate?”

“Three whole slices of deep dish, crusts too.”

Charles eyes look suspiciously shiny. “I haven’t managed to get her to eat anything.”

“I know.” Dany says simply. For a moment, Charles looks at her grateful but then she opens her mouth again. “So, in a way, don’t do it for me Charles. Do it for the _children_.”

“I hate you.” Charles says immediately. Dani just winks.

* * *

When they arrive at the parking lot of J.D. McFunnigans in Dani’s rented SUV, her corvette nowhere spacious enough for all four of them, Charles is nearly hyperventilating.

“This is going to be another train wreck.” He moans.

“No, it’s gonna go great.” Dani reassures him with an awkward pat on the head. “Last time we did great, but this time we have to finish even better. It’s all about the finish.”

Charles glares at her but Maggie interjects before he can say a word. “First rule of improv is to just accept the information. Go with the flow. No negating anything.”

“Got it.” Dani says. “Just go with it.”

“In my acting class, whenever someone says No, we all scream DIE!” Maggie continues.

Dani turns to look at the innocent looking girl and points her finger at her. “No, we are not doing that today.”

Maggie smiles. “Warm-up exercise?” She begins to move her mouth “ _Me, ni, mo, mum. The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips. The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips. BA GA DA!”_

“Yo, Julie Andrews, cool it with the warmup.” Dani turns to face Michael, who is as usual quiet. “You ready mafia?”

Michael looks at her with steely determination. “Hell yeah.”

In the passenger seat beside Dani, Charles facepalms. Dani ignores him and gives a short nod to each of the kids before unbuckling her seatbelt and getting out. They go inside together and once crossing the doors of J.D. McFunnigans, Dani believes she’s stepped foot into hell.

A pregnant lady chases a screaming kid in front of them, the kid only pausing to throw his soda in her face. More shrieking kids run amok in the playground and between the tables, their barely functioning parents laboring to get them under control. A muscle ticks under Dani’s left eye.

“This place smells like kid’s feet and mozzarella sticks.” She mutters to Charles.

He has the gall to laugh. “Can’t take the heat, Juliet?”

They take a step forward and suddenly a chubby kid comes flying out nowhere and barrels into Dani. Thanks to her lack of height, he gets a face full of her boobs and she gasps in pain as his heavy head plows into her ribs.

“Mommy!” the kid bellows after stumbling back away from her. “Mommy! That lady touched my face with her boobies!”

Dani is still hunched over, wheezing. “More like barreled into my boobies with his fat head.” She grumbles out.

At that moment, Palmer joins them. Charles greets her warmly since Dani is still gasping for breath.

“Palmer, babe, hi.”

Palmer gives Charles a smile. “Devlin, thank you so much for bringing your kids here!” she then turns her smile to the kids.

By this point, Dani has regrouped, and she smiles magnanimously at the kids. “Palmer, I want you to meet my pride and joy: Kiki and Bart.”

Maggie smiles at Palmer and opens her mouth. “’Ello Palmer, ‘erd so much about you.”

Dani feels the muscle twitch under her eye again.

“You’re British?” Palmer asks bewildered.

“And you’re the bird that’s been giving me mummy the ol’ slap and tickle.” Maggie replies with a smile.

Dani pushes Maggie to the side. “Oh, don’t mind her, gets her accent from her fancy boarding school in England.” She turns to glare at Maggie. “We just _love_ her British accent.”

Charles gives her a covert nod. _Nice save._

“Well, I’m just so happy to meet you Kiki.” Palmer says.

Maggie pulls a woeful face and a muscle in Dani’s cheek twitches this time. “Oh, how I wish I could say the same Palmer. You see before you, I had meself a mother. I was the apple in her eye. It was all giggling and chasing butterflies in meadows and what have you. And now what? I get an hour and a half every other weekend in J.D. McFunnigans wif her and her _whore._ ”

Palmer’s mouth drops. Charles flushes. “Koko!” He catches himself. “Kiki!” Sensing reprisal, Maggie runs off.

“God, she must be in so much pain.” Palmer says a hand to her chest.

Dani grits her teeth. “Yeah, so am I.”

Palmer switches her gaze to Dani. “Well, aren’t you going to go after her?”

Dani frowns but nods, hurrying after the girl. Palmer, Charles and Michael stand there awkwardly before Charles gets a grip of himself.

“And this is uh, Bart.” He says pulling the sullen boy to his side.

Palmer smiles at him. “Hi sweetie, how are you?”

He stares at her solemnly. “I was promised tokens.”

Charles laughs nervously. _Absolute train wreck._ He thinks to himself.

Dani had finally caught up with Maggie, her slight build helping her navigate the twists of the jungle gym. They stop at the jumpy room. Maggie begins to jump so Dani follows her lead.

“What was that?” Dani hisses immediately.

Maggie shrugs. “That was raw and real and very in the moment. I feel very good about it.”

“Well I don’t.” snaps Dani. “Now unless you want to lose your money and your acting class, you better clean up your act and stop with the sob stories. It’s all smiles and kisses from here on out. And since you decided to go full on Ringo on us, you better not choke with the accent, got it?”

Maggie frowns. “Got it.”

“Now give me hug and let’s laugh like we made up and get this show going.” Maggie jumps over to where Dani is and wraps her arms around her waist. The two of them share a loud insincere laugh and Dani looks over to where Palmer is to give her a thumbs-up. As soon as Palmer smiles at her, a kid besides Dani sneezes on her.

They make their way out of the jungle gym and go the table where Palmer and Charles have chosen. They stare for several moments at the animatronic kangaroo band playing on a stage.

Dani turns to Charles. “It’s creepy. Seems just up Morticia’s alley.”

“You’re going to get cursed if you keep that up, Dani.” Charles shoots back.

The bored teenager at the till suddenly yells out, “Order 24.”

“That’s us.” Charles says, moving to get the food.

“No, it’s fine.” Dani looks at Palmer. “Help me with the food?”

“Sure!”

They stand up and make their way to the counter.

“The kids really seem to like you.” Dani lies.

“Really?” Palmer says surprised. “They’ve been really quiet now.”

“That’s how I know they like you.” Dani says nodding. “It’s just a shame that their very expensive, extremely private boarding school doesn’t allow parents to visit.”

Palmer looks taken back. “Sounds a bit harsh.”

A guy in a kangaroo costume walks up to them with their order. “Here’s some burgers for you.” He says in a bored voice to Palmer before turning to Dani. “And a quesadilla for your mom.”

Dani smiles. “And a soda for you.” Before throwing her soda at his face.

Palmer gasps but Dani just motions for her to follow her to the table. Dani sets the pizza on the table before plopping the bag with the quesadilla in front of Maggie.

“Anyway,” she continues as if nothing happened. “The boarding school es very exclusive. The very best in England but very strict.”

“What’s it called?” Palmer asks.

“Hogwarts.” Charles blurts out. Palmer looks at him in surprise.

“Like Harry Potter?”

“I don’t know. Never saw that.” Dani interjects quickly. “So anyway, bottom line is, you can’t play with the kids’ education. If Headmaster Dumbledore says stay away, you stay away.” Michael had already laid claim to the burgers and was inhaling them at a ferocious pace, Charles also nibbling at the greasy pizza. But Dani notices that Maggie isn’t eating. “What’s wrong Kiki? I bought quesadillas, your favorite.”

Maggie makes a face. “I know, I just can’t wait to eat _two_ of them.” She starts eating slowly.

Charles mouths a quick thank you at Dani.

“Dani, we forgot napkins.” Palmer says as they eat.

“Cool, cool.” Dani mutters before standing up. “I’ll just go. Everybody remain calm—I mean, I love you.” She turns to Charles. “Not you anymore.”

She hurries away. Palmer looks towards Michael. “So, your mom says you like to go to the bathroom.”

“Huh?” Michael responds, mid-chew. At his father’s frantic signaling, he swallows his mouthful. “I guess.”

“What else do you like?” Palmer asks, undeterred.

“I don’t know.” He says before turning back to his burgers.

“Bart’s a man of few words.” Charles says helpfully.

Michael suddenly abandons his burgers. “But I might be upset.”

“Upset?” Echoes Palmer and Charles.

“Yeah, I mean you’re making my mom happy and all. But…” he trails off with a sigh.

“But what?” Palmer prods.

“No, nothing.”

“Come on, you can tell me anything.” Palmer says earnestly.

Michael looks downcast at his food. “It’s just… she broke her promise.”

“What promise?” Palmer asks aghast.

“Yeah, what promise?” Charles asks eyebrow raised.

Michael’s bottom lip trembles. “It’s just she promised me last year that she’d take me to swim with the dolphins in Hawaii. They have these lagoons with dolphins in them… and people can swim with them.” He takes deep breaths, scrunching up his eyes like he wants to cry. Charles doesn’t believe it for a second, but Palmer immediately reaches out to him. “And we went on the internet and made reservations for the next weekend…”

Charles notices Dani rushing back, napkins flapping as she practically runs to their table. He gives her an uh-oh look. She gets to their table as Michael lets loose a loud wail. “And then she canceled the trip.”

“No!” Palmer says.

“Yes, because she met you!” Michael sobs loudly with his face buried in his arms. Palmer turns to glare at Dani and Dani doesn’t take long to connect the dots.

“What, no, that’s—”

“Die!” Shrieks Maggie.

“I mean _yes,_ and—”

Palmer doesn’t ease on her glare and Dani sighs. “And there goes the finish.”

* * *

The next day they walk through LAX together, Palmer in front with Maggie, Michael in the middle, while Charles and Dani loiter towards the rear. Dani whispers furiously at Charles.

“I can’t believe I got blackmailed by an eight-year-old.”

Michael turns back solemnly. “I saw my shot and I took it.”

“I can respect that mafia, but this is a holiday weekend in Hawaii. Half of Beverly Hills will be there, and this could turn uglyyyy,” she sings “really quickly.”

Charles scowls at her. “This is already ugly enough. And let me tell you, I am running out of patience with these shenanigans. I am up to here.” He holds up his hand at chest level.

Dani stares at Charles. “Did you just seriously say shenanigans?”

“I did.” Charles narrows his eyes at Dani. “And if it gets to here,” he raises his hand to his forehead. “I’m selling you out, taking my blackmailing spawn on the first plane, and coming home, got it?”

“All right, all right, sheesh.” Dani gripes. “Shenanigans bad, hand down. Got it.”

Palmer, who had been happily monologuing to a clearly bored Maggie, suddenly backtracks to grab at Dani’s hand. “I’m so glad you’re doing this Dani.” She says nuzzling at her neck. “You and your kids will have time together and start the healing.”

Dani gives her a seductive smile. “Maybe you and I can find some way to have fun too.” Palmer laughs and Dani is just about to kiss her when.

“Vait up!! Vait up!! Hold on, VUNDERBEAR!” Dani just about cries in frustration, recognizing the voice immediately but turns nonetheless.

She notices they all turn to see the spectacle and so they are all audience to when her idiot cousin Eddie appears in khaki shorts and a loud floral print shirt. He wore coke-bottle glasses and for some reason, he had a pipe in his mouth. As Dani and Palmer watch with all the fascination of seeing a car crash, he skids towards Charles and yanks his head down to kiss him full on the lips.

Dani’s eyes just about bug out.

“Muffinstein, I couldn’t stand to be without you!” He says cheerfully in an Austrian accent, ignoring the way Charles deliberately unpeels his arm around his neck. Eddie then chooses to scurry away from the rage burning in Charles’s eyes and goes towards Palmer and Dani. “There she is: Colonel von Generous. The most gracious, caring voman… so vise, so HONEST – an ubermensch! So, vunderbar news, I have decided to take you up on your amazing offer.”

“Yay,” Dani says in a flat tone. “What offer?”

“Your offer for me to join you on your trip and get to know you and der kinder.” Eddie turns to Palmer. “I am sorry. I am not introduce myself. I am _the_ Dolph Lundgren. Devlin’s man-friend.”

“Kill me now.” Charles moans. Everyone turns to look at him and he throws a fake smile. “Kill me now, for not introducing you. This is my… man-friend. Yay.” He finishes his sentence with a glare at Dani, wishing to just reach out and strangle her.

“Oh, hi Dolph.” Palmer says sticking out her hand. “I’m Palmer. Devlin said you had to stay back and work?”

“Nein!” Eddie cries joyfully as he shakes Palmer’s hand enthusiastically, only letting go when she yanks it back. “Screw that noise, I vork ven I’m kaput!” He laughs with a German accent, taking a long puff of his pipe that makes him dissolve into coughs.

Palmer looks at Dani with stars in her eyes. “Well I for one think that this so mature of all of you. My brothers and I would have loved it if my parents had done something like this when they got divorced.”

“Yes, for the childrens much happiness I will bring them.” Eddie winks before throwing an around Charles’s waist, the closest point he can reach. “And I couldn’t stay away from this potato pancake.” He stretches to lick at Charles’s ear as the other man glares angrily at Dani. “Mmm… Looking forward to trying out my new schnitzel….”

“Excuse us for a moment.” Charles interjects before dragging Eddie by the arm. Once they’re away, he pokes at Eddie’s chest. “What the hell are you doing here?!”

Eddie rubs at his chest with a wince. “Helping? Saving the day? Hello?” He pauses, looks over Charles. “You look different?”

“What do you mean?”

“Hotter than normal. Usually you look tired and cranky with a side of bitter thrown in.” Eddie says blithely.

Charles stares at him, imagining the sweet crunch of Eddie’s neck under his hands, before saying, “You’re going to say you ate some bad sauerkraut for breakfast and that you have to go home immediately.”

Eddie sighs. “I can’t. I texted a picture of my new equipment to my old girlfriend, but I forgot that she’s happily married now… to an MMA fighter. I really need to hide for a couple of days.”

Dani choses this moment to pop in. “Hey, how we doing?”

“Yavohl! I am just waiting for the money for my ticket now please.” Dani sighs and holds up her black card. “Thank you. By the way Dolph only flies _First Class!_ ” Eddie animates the children and they begin chanting First class with him. Charles looks at Dani, raises his hand to his neck and stalks off.

* * *

The ragtag group of misfits, ahem family, arrive outside a five-star resort: Grand Wailea. They all take a moment to take in the beautify of the hotel as they get out of the van provided by the airport.

“Blimey!” Maggie says. “This place must have set you back a few quid, guv’na.”

Dani glares at her. “Nothing’s too good for Mommy’s little princess.” At the feel of Palmer’s soft breasts against her back from an impromptu hug, Dani stops her glare. Palmer gives her a soft kiss on her nape before releasing her to look around.

Michael presses his advantage. “So, when do I get to swim with the dolphins?”

“At the end of the trip, you blackmailing hell spawn.” Dani replies easily. “ _If_ you perform flawlessly this entire week.”

Michael pouts. “But I—”

“I agree Bart,” Dani says loudly so it carries to where Palmer is browsing brochures. “We _should_ wait until the end of the week to swim with the dolphins. That way you have something to look forward to.”

“Glad you agree, _Mom._ ”

Palmer gives Dani a loving smile. Michael continues to pout. Dani finally feels like something went well and smiles.

“Well played.” Michael mutters.

“I thought so.” Dani says smugly.

“I’ll be back.” He warns before slinking away, taking Dani’s smug smile with him.

She sighs before turning to the check-in counter. “Maccabee,” She says tiredly. “Two rooms.”

The clerk clucks with his tongue. “Yes, unfortunately, we only have our suites left. The Presidential and the Ambassador. Are you member of the Hilton Rewards Program?”

“No.” Dani growls.

“Oh, you should join,” the clerk says in an annoyingly chipper tone. “Next time you won’t get so—”

“Fucked in the ass?” Dani supplies grouchily.

The clerk smiles. “Precisely.”

Annoyed, she grabs the key cards from him. At that moment, Palmer bounds up.

“Who wants to go swimming?” She says excitedly. The kids both raise their hands, squealing with excitement, and follow her.

Dani watches her go. “Who’s ready to start drinking?”

“Me.” Eddie and Charles reply and follow her to the bar.

* * *

Moments later they’re beachside, sitting in the cool shade while sipping at their alcoholic drinks, watching Palmer play in the water with the kids. Charles is drinking two, trying to slow down the twitching in his left eye.

“I can’t believe how many sexy frauleins there are running around.” Eddie says in his fake accent.

“First of all, when Palmer’s not around, lose the stupid accent.” Dani says. “Between you and Oliver Twist over there, I feel like I’m in a World War II movie. Secondly, there will be no frauleins for you this week. This week you are in love with Devlin here.”

“The kind of love where there’s no touching whatsoever.” Charles immediately grumbles. “A no-contact love.”

“You helped build this schnitzel. Why are you so afraid of it?” Eddie smiles at Charles enticingly.

Charles turns to the smaller man and cracks his knuckles menacingly. “So help me God, I will break your schnitzel if you even think of touching me.”

Eddie chokes on his drink.

“Hey, hey, let’s focus on the mission.” Dani interjects before Charles can act on his threat. “We are here to show Palmer how happy you guys are and what a good mother I am. That’s it.”

Charles settles back and resumes his drinks. “All right. Suppose this works and you and Barbie over there actually get together: how are you going to explain the kids disappearing after this? They can’t be at Harry Potter’s school all year.”

Dani smiles smugly. “I’ve got it covered Charles. I kill them off in a tragic accident on their way to school in England. Say their car plummets off a cliff into the ocean or something.”

Charles raises an eyebrow. “No bodies?”

“Nope.” Dani pops the p with her lips. “Sharks got to them, poor things.”

“Smooth.”

Dani keeps going. “I’m actually thinking of putting you and Dolph in the car with them.”

Charles laughs, forgetting for the moment that he was mad at the two cousins. Then his phone rings and when he answers, his voice is immediately two octaves lower than usual.

“Hello? Oh, hi… Great. How about you?” he laughs, a completely different one from before. “yeah, I’m not actually alone right now…”

“Who is that?” Dani demands. “Morticia?”

Charles nods yes, Dani gets up, disgusted.

“Wow, come on Dolph, let’s take a walk and leave him and Nancy Downs some privacy.” She rocks on her heels before leaving. “Just count how many times she invites you to a ritualistic beheading. I’m guessing at least twice.”

Charles glares at Dani and raises his hand to his neck threateningly. Dani raises her arms and walks away with Eddie. They head towards the shops that litter the side of the hotel.

“I’m glad he finally divorced the other bitch but if he ends up with that witchy weirdo, he’s just leaping out of the frying pan and into the fire.” She says a bit angrily.

“Yeah.” Eddie trails off. “Why are we stopping here?”

Dani glares at her cousin before crossing her arms. In front of them there’s a sparkling display of engagement rings. “What? Can’t a girl check out some rings?”

Eddie scoffs. “Look all you want, but you and I know that you’ll be sick of the hottie and back on the prowl by next week.”

Dani looks at the rings. “Look I’ve been talking about my fake fiancé for almost twenty years now. I always figured I’d get a real one someday. Maybe Palmer is the real one.” She turns to look at Eddie only to see him dancing suggestively at the 50-year-old Hawaiian store owner. “Why do I even bother?”

She walks off without another word, when she’s about fifty meters, Eddie comes bounding up to her again. He talks a mile a minute, his ramblings not caring that she wasn’t responding. They walk back to their previous place, finding Charles in deep thought, a couple more coconuts littered around him.

They had just settled in when Palmer rises from the beach like a Greek goddess in a bikini. Her flawless body gleams, every inch of her skin looking delectable with the water glistening on her. Jaws drop everywhere and Eddie cackles.

“Yeah, I’d make up a fake family for that.” He says with a leer. “Boing!”

“You’re both disgusting.” Charles says.

The kids come running up, excited.

“Papa, do come in. The water’s as lovely as Westminster in May.” Maggie says tugging at Charles’s arm.

Suddenly plagued with embarrassment, Charles just smooths his hand over his daughter’s head with a smile. “No, I’m good. Don’t feel like swimming ring now.”

Eddie reaches over and rubs at his leg. “Don’t worry my little Liebchen. I like the extra padding in your midshnipesin and your big, blubby hindenburger.”

Charles looks at the hand on his leg and then pointedly looks at Eddie. Eddie quickly snatches back his hand with a small yelp.

“Yeah right.” Palmer says. “I hope that when I reach his age, I look half as good.”

“You can if,” Dani mimics Edith Bunker. “you take the stairs instead of the elevator! Like Cary Grant!”

Charles makes eye contact with Dani and deliberately raises his hand to his neck, holding it for a second, before raising to eye level.

“Anyway, there’s no more time for swimming—we need to get ready for the luau tonight.” Palmer says with excitement, ignoring Dani and Charles.

Dani and Charles exchange a look. “Luau?” Dani asks.

“Yeah!” Palmer says excitedly. “We’re in Hawaii. We have to go to a luau. It’s gonna be so great!”

“My treat! I insist.” Eddie says.

“All right.” Dani concedes.

Eddie laughs. “Just kidding! I don’t have any money!”

Everyone laughs except for Dani and Charles.

* * *

Eddie and Charles arrive after Palmer and Dani, the chaos of bathing and dressing the little tyrants a time-consuming task. Not that they were going, but Charles feels better if the babysitter just has to keep an eye on them while he’s out. They take a seat across from Palmer and Dani, Charles immediately requesting a drink.

“So, we’re here to get to know each other better, so Dolph, let’s start with you. What do you work in?”

“I am a… Sheep.”

Palmer looks confused. “What does that mean?”

Dani looks equally perplexed. “Yeah, Dolph, what does that mean?”

“I am a sheep shipper.” Eddie proclaims before pushing his glasses up his nose again. “In this global vorld people don’t buy the sheep that they need from the local sheep herder anymore.”

“They don’t?” Charles says.

“No, now they go ONLINE!” Eddie talks animatedly, his face flushing with excitement. “To the interveb to my vebensite…. GOTOPRETTYSHEEP.COM”

Charles stares at Eddie for a long moment before slamming down the rest of his drink in one gulp. A water helpfully refills his drink.

“Yep, just top that off.” Charles says. “And keep them coming.”

Palmer is listening raptly to Eddie, while Dani stares in stunned disbelief from the amount of absolute bullshit spilling from her cousin’s mouth.

“Ve don’t sell the ugly ones. The people they see the pictures and they pick out the one they want.” Eddie nods before taking a sip from his brightly pink drink. “The stylish ones, the shy ones, the sassy ones. The big ones that they can ride around like wild pony.”

“Okay.” Dani says forcefully. “That’s enough getting to know Dolph.”

“Don’t be rude.” Palmer chides. “Do go on Dolph, what do people do with the sheep?”

“ _Whatever they want!”_ Eddie exclaims. “Some keep them as pets. Some shave them and make sheep sveators. Some train them to fight one anotha in sheep fight club.”

Palmer looks at him skeptically. “Sheep fight club?”

Eddie nods. “Yes. Devlin bought a sheep from me. That’s how ve met.”

“Really!” Palmer looks at the stewing Charles. “Why?”

“So he could shave it and wear the pelt during the sex. He taught me this fetish.” He leans towards Charles. “I love your sex so much.” Eddie goes kiss Charles and Charles grabs at his nipple and twists. Eddie whines in pain and Charles lets go.

“That’s our other fetish.” Charles says grimly to a wide-eyed Palmer. “Now, Dani-bear, come with me to get our kids that you’ve raised from infancy some milk.”

“Of course. We’ll be right back.”

As soon as they’re at a safe distance from the table, Charles turns on Dani.

“I’m done, Dani.” Charles says seriously. “I’m sorry, but we’re leaving.”

“What?” Dani yelps. “No, you can’t! Look I’ll get him under control. I’ll tie him up somewhere, you can help me beat his ass, it’ll be fun I promise! Charles please.”

Charles is just about to open his mouth to argue when he gets interrupted. “Charles? Charles Murphy?” He turns to look and there is a tallish, red-haired woman bull-dozing her way towards them.

“Devlin Adams, oh my god.” Charles barely blinks.

Dani looks at the woman and at Charles. “ _Devlin_ , Devlin? As in taking a—”

“Taking a good look and seeing that yes! It is my old friend from college Devlin! Hi!” Charles smiles flatly even as the other woman throws her arms around him while giving him air kisses.

“I can’t believe it!” Devlin says once she’s let go of Charles. “Both of us here at this resort at the same time. I didn’t know you went to places like this.”

“Here we go.” Dani hears Charles mutter under his breath.

“Oh, sweetheart, I’m just dying for you to meet someone.” Devlin gushes as she grabs a dark-haired man by the arm and yanks him to where they stood. He’s relatively attractive, lean body, and a bright smile that he flashes as they shake his hand. “This is one of my old friends from college, Charles. Charles, this is my husband, Ian Maxtone-Jones. You might have heard of him: he invented the iPod.”

“Of course, he did,” Charles says with a flat smile. “The iPod, huh.”

Ian waves a hand in the air. “The idea just _came_ to me one day. I was in the shower with Devlin and—”

Devlin laughs, turning her scrutiny over to Charles again. “You look great, Charles. I so glad you got your teeth fixed.”

“Thanks, Devlin.” Charles says dryly. “Aren’t you just the same though?”

“Thank you,” Devlin says obliviously. “It’s so awful that we had to fly out all the way to Hawaii to run into you. They say all of LA is here for the holiday and you know what? I believe them. Why did we fall out of touch?”

“You know, I can’t fathom why.”

Devlin carries on, ignoring Charles’s quiet retort. “Well, let me catch you up to date. I created a website called InnerBeauty.com. I review make-up and hair care products. And I’ve finally reached that point where I’m ready to sell, now if I can just choose which offer to accept! We haven’t had any children, just living our lives. But we are planning to start this trip. Right, dear?”

She stops her rambling and looks at her husband expectantly. “Create a life, yes.” Ian says.

“I’m really happy for you Devlin.” Charles says.

Devlin reaches out quickly and snares Charles’s hand. “How long are you here for?”

“Actually, I was just getting ready to—”

“Oh my God!” Devlin exclaims. “I almost forgot! I ran into Sandra Wernick last month. Poor thing. Divorced and with a child. I always knew she wouldn’t make it out there. Are you married?”

She blinks innocently at Charles. He grits his teeth. He’s the better person. He’s the better person.

“Actually, I am” he hears himself saying. He turns to Dani and grabs her to his side. “I am so rude; you were talking and well I forgot to introduce her. This is my _wife_ , Dani.”

“What now?” Dani says.

Charles nuzzles her neck and whispers, “I’ll stay and do your thing if you just go with it.”

Dani pastes a sunny smile on her face and stretches her hand towards the other woman. “Devlin, hi! You know, I was just talking to Charles the other day about you, I think we were in the bathroom—”

Charles elbows her and cuts her off. Devlin shakes her hand self-importantly before tossing her mane of red hair over her shoulder. “I always knew one day Charles would meet a woman who would take his morally loose sexuality and change it.”

“Hey, if he’s good enough for the masses, he’s good enough for me.” Dani quips even if her smile froze at the other woman’s dig at Charles’s sexuality. “Besides, why change perfection?”

“So Dani, what do you work in?” Ian asks in the awkward lull.

She turns to the Ken doll, smile in place. “I invented butt plugs.”

Charles laughs nervously. “Oh, she’s funny. A real comedian. She’s actually a plastic surgeon. Go on honey, tell them how you were named _the_ plastic surgeon in LA.”

“Ooh, how nice.” Devlin coos. “Where do you practice?”

“Beverly Hills.”

Devlin coos again, this time looking at Charles with an envious gleam. “Touchdown.”

“Well it was great seeing you Devlin.” Charles says in a tone that says the complete opposite. “We should get back to the kids.”

“You have kids?” Devlin asks, jealousy more apparent in her tone.

“Oh yeah, couldn’t wait to just start popping out babies.” Dani says cheerfully. “That’s why this fella over here popped two buns in my oven, eight and ten years ago.” She pats his stomach, quickly yanking her hand away when she feels solid muscle under his shirt. What the actual f—

“Wow, you’ve been together a long time.” Devlin says with a serious nod.

“Yep, isn’t this hunk just delicious?” Dani leans forward in faux conspiracy. “Still gets me wet every single time I see him.” Behind Dani, Charles sounds like a wheezing baboon. Dani forces the blinking Ken to high five her.

“Well, we should get dinner some night while we’re all here.”

“Of course,” Charles says smoothly, recovered from his previous discomfort. “That would be a dream, assuming that we ever leave the bedroom.”

And then Charles smacks Dani’s ass.

“Charles Murphy, look at you.” _Yeah, look at you_. Dani grouses internally.

“It’s not Murphy anymore. I decided to take her last name so it’s Maccabee now.” Then Charles drags off a still in shock Dani. “I’m so sorry for that spank.”

Shaking herself mentally, Dani laughs. “Come on, we’ve had worse.” Charles considers it and nods. “So anyway, what was that all about? You went full fake wife on them.”

“ _Because_ she’s successful and married to someone even more successful.” Charles pauses. “And she’s already ashamed of me and that’s why she refuses to let anyone know she ever dated me. So I don’t want her to judge me even more if she knew I’m divorced with two kids and working as an assistant to you. I’d be humiliated.”

Dani smirks. “So, you’re saying you need _me_ now.”

Charles glares. “Yes.”

“How does it feel to need _my_ help.” Dani says smugly.

“Have you ever slammed a car door on your soul? Feels kinda like that.”

Dani pats his arm understandingly. “Don’t worry big guy, I’ll go big-time fake wife for you. BUT now that I’m returning the favor, I would appreciate a better attitude. You’re in Hawaii for free, enjoy it!”

“Fine!”

“Excellent.”

“I’m gonna love it!” Charles says sarcastically.

“Well, start now.” Dani shoots back.

“Aye, aye captain!”

“Can’t hear you.” Dani taunts.

“Whee!”

Dani turns to face him, grin still tugging at her lips but mostly serious. “I’m gonna need some note cards to keep all these lies straight.”

Charles snorts and pushes past her to the table. “Make copies for me.”

* * *

The sun rises in a beautiful display of pinks and purples coloring the sky, not a cloud in sight. But it’s also six in the morning and so, Dani practically cries when Palmer wakes her up.

“Oh my God, Palmer.” Dani grouses as she sits up on their bed. “Why’d you wake me up?”

Palmer is already flitting around the room, cheerfully humming as she grabs her toiletries before going to the shower. “Because grandma, I signed us up for the full day adventure tour- hiking through the rainforest, kayaking down a river, swimming under a waterfall…”

Dani opens the door of the shower a bit to ask, “Swimming or skinny dipping? Because I wouldn’t mind seeing your gorgeous self in such a beautiful place.”

Palmer laughs. “Just swimming. You’ll see why.”

After each showered and dressed, they go downstairs to the lobby. To Dani’s surprise, she sees the whole ‘family’ there already.

“is this why there won’t be any skinny dipping?” Dani asks forlornly to Palmer.

Palmer laughs and kisses her quickly. “It’ll be fun with the family, you’ll see.”

“Please don’t skinny dip in front of the kids, Dani.” Charles says exasperated.

“I on the other hand, am just fine with your nudity Dani.” Eddie says in his increasingly worse accent. “Live as Mount Olympus made you.”

Dani scowls at him and when she passes by him, makes sure to punch him in the stomach. He wheezes behind her and she feels instantly much better.

They start off by hiking through the rainforest, the kids awed by the lush vegetation.

“is this where the blue Avatar people live?” Michael asks as he soaks in the rainforest.

“Bloody gorgeous.” Whispers Maggie.

Palmer gives a knowing glance to Dani.

Next, they climb a rocky cliff wall, Dani still determinedly behind Palmer. She appreciates the view that being directly under Palmer gives her and hates to relinquish it. After that they use a rope bridge to cross a mountain stream. Palmer passes quickly, her body moving nimbly. Dani struggles to get past the first rung and returns to the edge. Charles just shakes his head at her.

“I told you to take the stairs.” He whispers before crossing the bridge easily.

Dani gets a breather when they go to the stables to ride horses. Or at least that’s what she thought. She wants to cry at the feel of the burn between her thighs but sticks a wide smile on her face instead. Afterward, she powers through the steep hill they’re climbing, stubbornly keeping pace with Palmer even though she sounds like a bellowing elephant.

“Isn’t this awesome?” Palmer asks.

“Oh yeah, absolutely.” Dani says. “You know I should probably walk back, check on the kids, just in case they lose their footing.”

“Oh, sure. Go ahead.”

As soon as Palmer is out of sight, Dani doubles over and vomits, legs shaky with exhaustion. Charles passes by at a brisk pace and throws her a piece of gum.

“Should’ve listened to Cary Grant…” He teases.

“I hate you.” Dani moans.

They go kayaking in a beautiful river, Palmer in the lead as always. Charles slows down so that Dani can catch up. She’s sweating bullets by now.

“Just tell her that you need a break. She’ll understand.” Charles says as he watches her arms shake with effort.

“Yeah, she’ll understand that I’m an ancient relic.” Dani huffs out.

Maggie frowns. “If she were worth killing yourself over, she wouldn’t want you to kill yourself.”

Dani rolls her eyes. “Thanks, Obi-Wan. Look, she just wants to see that I’m spending quality time with you kids. So make it look like you’re having a blast ASAP, I won’t die and there’ll be an extra hundred for both of you.”

The kids bump fists in celebration and immediately start splashing Dani.

“Oh, splashing in the watah with mummy. How special. We are making memories right here, right now. Magical memories!” Maggie cries out in her usual dramatic fashion.

Dani looks at Palmer with a look of indulgence. Charles just shakes his head at their antics. Eddie seated behind Palmer notices that her suit slipped, and he can see the crack of her ass.

“Eepin, gleepin, glaupin, globin!” With a loud whack, Eddie gets hit in the head with a paddle. Ignoring everyone’s staring, Charles keeps paddling serenely with a small smile.

They walk through the rainforest again, this time at a much more sedate pace as even Palmer is starting to look winded now. Maggie is riding piggy-back on Dani, still over-acting.

“Such magical times with my mummy!” she exclaims.

“Aren’t they?” Dani says loudly before lowering her voice. “You’re warping my spine kid, get off.”

Maggie doesn’t pay much attention and she throws her into a bush. Maggie rolls out laughing. “Oh, mummy, such a jokester.”

They keep walking and start to hear a faint rushing sound. Palmer glances at Dani excitedly. “The waterfall!”

When they break free of the rainforest, they see a beautiful cascade of water, rainbows shimmering in the spray. “Oh, this is so beautiful.” Charles says, looking wide-eyed at the waterfall. “Last time I was here, I didn’t get much of a chance to sight-see.”

“You’ve been here before?” Palmer asks.

Charles looks lost in thought. “Yeah on my fourth-year anniversary. We didn’t get out much because she wanted to go to Tahiti, and I bought the cheaper alternative of Hawaii. She threw a major tantrum and refused to leave the hotel room.”

“On your anniversary?” Dani asks. “What a bitch.” Everyone looks at her and suddenly she remembers the role they were each playing. “What an absolute bitch I was I mean, god between that and the IBS I can’t believe you didn’t leave me before.”

Charles chuckles but there’s still a wet sound to them. “True, I mean there were all the signs.”

“Well, at least you got the kids.” Dani says tapping his arm in a friendly gesture.

“True, I’ve got the kids. If I’d left then, I wouldn’t have the kids.” He smiles at his children and they give him a tight hug. “Anyway, we’re here on vacation and you’re much better now.”

“Uh-oh.” Palmer says teasingly. “You two aren’t gonna reconcile on me, are you?”

“Hell no.” Dani says vehemently. “Too much anger and badness between us.”

“Yeah,” Charles chimes in. “I hate her.”

They continue walking, getting closer to the pool of water at the base of the waterfall.

“Well, I don’t know about you guys but I’m going to cool off.” She takes off her t-shirt and jean shorts, revealing her bikini underneath. As she steps carefully to the edge of the small ledge over the pool, Eddie and Dani stare at her with their mouths open.

“Does she ever wear anything but that bikini?” Charles asks to the air.

Eddie answers, “I’m praying for a g-string and pasties.”

Palmer dives into the water, the lines of her body sleek and smooth as she enters the water. For a moment there’s silence and then,

“Okay, Maggie you’re up. Run and scream, I love mummy as you jump in.” Maggie laughs at Dani’s words and takes off at sprint.

“Mummy is me favorite adult!” she yells before she lands in the water.

Dani turns to Charles, approval in her eyes. “That was even better.”

By this point Palmer has gotten out of the pool and inches closer to the waterfall. Her toned body looks fantastic with the water glistening on her skin. Charles works his jaw, thinking.

“Okay Bartie fartie. You’re up.” Dani turns to Michael. But he just stands there. “What’s up Mike?”

Michael mumbles something.

“What was that?”

“Water’s too deep.” Michael grits out.

“The water’s too deep? What do you—”

“He can’t swim Dani.” Charles interrupts.

“He can’t—” Dani turns to Michael, “How were you going to swim with the dolphins?”

Michael bites his lip, dragging the tip of his shoe in the soil. “I hadn’t thought it through.”

Dani goes to say something biting but she takes in the boy’s drooped shoulders, all signs of happiness from earlier gone and sighs instead. “You can’t swim at all?” Michael shakes his head. “Nobody ever taught you?”

“Mom told me she would. Said it was only fair since Dad taught Maggie.” He pauses. “But she’s busy.”

Dani looks at Charles sympathetic. Charles just shakes his head.

“Your dad can’t teach you?” Eddie asks, dropping his accent all together.

Charles shakes his head again. “He’s waiting for his mom.”

Palmer goes to a sunny rock and sits there, legs splashing in the water. She looks amazing as she waves to Dani.

“Come in you guys. The water feels magical!” she yells.

“As does my schnitzel.” Eddie says to Dani and they high-five. Charles rolls his eyes, fed up with those two.

“Michael.” He says in a soft voice as he kneels down to his son’s level. “Is it okay if daddy goes in and cools off for a bit? Can you stay here with fake Mommy?”

“Sure.” Michael shrugs, the gloom from before not completely gone but happier than earlier.

Charles takes off his joggers, revealing tight gray shorts that reach an inch above his knees. He ignores Dani and Eddie’s shocked expression at the expanse of skin he shows them when he takes off his shirt. He rolls his shoulders back and Dani catches sight of his chest.

“Goddamn.” She whispers. Washboard abs, defined pecs, even his back had muscles that contract as he steps carefully to the ledge. And those thighs. All glistening skin from the slight sheen of sweet he’d worked up from their activities and suddenly Dani is immensely grateful that he went for the wax. She follows his arc into the water and feels the urge to fan herself.

Michael laughs. “Bet you didn’t see that one coming.”

“No son,” Dani says with her eyes glued on Charles’s powerful back as he swims. “Kinda wish you’d told me before I nearly swallow my tongue.” He swims through the water with powerful strokes. Her eyes are drawn to his ass, which frankly she wouldn’t surprised if you could bounce a quarter off it. “Man, I have got to start taking the stairs.”

Michael giggles. “Don’t buy into that line. He goes to the gym religiously after work.”

Well, there’s the answer of where he blows off his excess energy if he’s not getting laid.

“Man, I have got to get inside that pool.” Eddie finally reboots after Charles’s surprise. “My schnitzel is getting antsy just looking at them.”

Dani catches him just as he has his thumbs jammed in his shorts. “Don’t you dare Eddie! Maggie is in there too.”

Abashed he lets go of his shorts, “Fine. But I’m still going in.” He breaks into a run and flings himself off the cliff, his drop to the water nowhere near as graceful as Palmer’s or Charles’s. “Achtung below!”

* * *

Dani drags herself off the hotel Jeep and flops an arm over Palmer’s neck, exhausted beyond belief.

“Oh my lord,” she says. “You know what we should do? Take a nice little nap-nap.”

“Isn’t it our turn to take care of the kids?” Palmer asks.

“By ‘kids’ I hope your referring to our breasts.” Dani says with a leer.

“No, Dani.” Palmer pushes her away with a laugh. “Devlin and Dolph had them last night. Now it’s our turn. Isn’t that how you guys set it up?”

Dani laughs nervously. “But Devlin likes to sleep near the children at night. He’s very particular like that.”

Palmer turns to Eddie and Charles. “Devlin, Dolph: would you like us to have the kids tonight so you can have some ‘alone time’?”

Charles looks stricken but before he can answer, Eddie blurts out. “Absoshnutely.”

So it’s a plan. Later Charles marches his children to the doorway of Dani and Palmer’s room. Michael and Maggie have backpacks and they’re in their pajamas. Charles’s hand shakes minutely as he places a hand on Michael’s shoulder before he knocks.

Palmer immediately opens the door. “Devlin!”

“Hi, Palmer.” He says subdued.

Picking up on Charles’s obvious distress, Palmer immediately reassures him, “Don’t worry Devlin—you and Dolph just enjoy each other. This is gonna be great, like a sleepover! Kids, I cut up some fresh pineapple for you. Do you like pineapple?”

Michael looks up at her solemnly. “Can you make a shoe smell?”

“Okay.” Dani says as she walks up to the doorway. “We also ordered Kiki three quesadillas because my little princess loves them so much.”

Behind Palmer’s back, Maggie sticks her tongue out at Dani.

“Hey, let’s check out the balcony,” Palmer says softly to the kids. “I think I saw some dolphins out in the bay.” She herds them off towards the next room. Dani and Charles stand there awkwardly.

“I don’t have to worry about diapers or any potty related stuff, do I?” Dani asks.

“No, they’re good to go.” Charles says before he turns to Dani. “But if anything happens, and I mean _anything­_ —”

“No, no it’s fine.” Dani waves an airy hand. “I used to babysit Eddie all the time.”

This doesn’t comfort Charles. “Yeah and look how he turned out!”

Dani chuckles. “Okay, point. _But_ Palmer’s a teacher, she’s used to kids. You just enjoy the night off, Daddy.” She turns to look him, sweeping her gaze over him. He wore his usual chinos but somehow the crisp white shirt accentuated his shoulders and drew the eye to his narrow waist. Or maybe that’s just her mind playing tricks on her as she fondly remembers how he looked like at the waterfall. “What are you going to do? Watch TV? Shock people with your stupidly perfect body?”

“I’m going to stare out the window and worry.” Charles says solemnly.

“Aw come on, how much worse could I be than Rosa?” Dani says easily. “Why don’t you have a platonic dinner with my cousin? I know he’s not Bernadette, the wicked witch of the west…”

Charles smiles. “You really don’t like that I went to lunch with her, do you?”

“You actually went on a date with her?” Dani wrinkles her nose. “Disgusting. Did she eat raw meat? Drank a carafe of blood? Did she try to recruit you to hail Satan?”

Charles rolls his eyes. “Funnily enough, we managed to go through lunch without her making up a fake life for herself.”

Dani gasps. “Ouch! Not nice.”

“Truth hurts.” Charles singsongs to her as he leaves. He’s still smiling as he walks away, and the door closes behind him. He keeps up his smile on the elevator ride.

Eddie suddenly pops up and Charles’s smile drops. He tries to sidle up to Charles in the hallway. “Alone at last, my Jägermeister.” Charles opens the door, ignoring his antics, but Eddie is persistent. Finally, Charles snaps and punches the annoying man in the stomach. Eddie falls to his knees and Charles goes inside the suite.

An hour later Dani, Palmer, Maggie, and Michael are eating popcorn and playing a game.

“You guys having fun?” Palmer asks.

“Yeah, they love this game.” Dani says quickly. “Let’s keep playing.”

Palmer picks up a card. “What is something that makes you happy?” she read.

“Hiking, kayaking” she pauses, struck by the memory. “ _Waterfalls_.”

Palmer gives her a smile and she fidgets, turning to the kids. Maggie immediately answers, “The theatre. And quesadillas.”

They turn to Michael now and he debates his answer internally. “That time my mom went to cheer for me at my soccer game.”

Palmer turns to look at Dani with another warm smile, but this time Dani busies herself with the cards, she knows that must have been a long time ago for Michael considering his situation. It doesn’t feel right to capitalize on real emotions from the boy.

“Okay, I pick.” Maggie says after watching Dani shuffle the cars twice. She grabs a card and reads, “If you could be one person beside yourself, who would you be?”

“Rachel Ray—'cause I’ve always wanted to learn how to cook.” Palmer says before turning expectantly at Dani.

“I like myself.” Dani says confidently. “I wouldn’t be anyone else. So ‘me’. Or Captain America.”

They all laugh before turning to Michael. Again, he mulls his answer over.

“Mr. DeCesare.” He says finally.

“Mr. DeCesare?” Maggie asks perplexed. “Our mailman? Why?”

Michael puts his face on the palm of his hand, face serious as always. “He just seems like he’s got it all figured out.”

Dani laughs despite herself. These kids honestly. “Okay, my turn.” She takes a card but frowns immediately. “No, this one’s lame. Let me get another.”

Palmer stops her from slipping her card back into the deck. “No, we can’t do that. We have to read the card you picked.”

“Fine.” Dani sighs. “Name something that makes you sad.”

They all take a moment to think. Maggie breaks the silence first.

“That Judi Dench has never won the Oscar for Best Actress.” She says tears glistening in her eyes.

Palmer’s lower lip trembles before she answers. “That One Direction broke up.”

“Oh jeez,” Dani says unthinkingly. At Palmer’s glare, she adds. “Oh jeez it’s my turn. Uh, when a boy I was in love with made fun of my nose.”

Palmar frowns. “Why would anyone make fun of your nose?”

“They wouldn’t.” Dani says quickly. “I’m just saying that if someone were to do it, it’d be sad. Bart, what about you?”

Michael droops in his place. “I don’t want to say mine.”

Palmar takes one of his hands in hers. “No, it’s okay honey. You can share anything with us.”

Michael takes a deep breath but doesn’t take his eyes off the floor. “That my mom never has time for me.”

Palmer looks at Dani angrily and Dani just looks at the ceiling. Why her? When she looks down, she sees Maggie break character and hug her brother tightly.

“It’s okay, we’re gonna make it.” She says without a trace of her accent. “We don’t need her in our lives.”

Michael clings to his sister and they both begin to cry. Palmer looks at Dani in disgust and stalks out to the balcony.

Dani just cradles her head in her hands. Great. She takes a deep breath and goes near the two crying children.

“Okay, so that happened.” She says.

Maggie looks up at him with tears still clinging to her eyelashes, her normally vibrant gaze dull. “We’re sorry.”

“No, no, I mean, I understand that you guys have some real issues with your parents. And I feel for you, really I do.” She gives them a tight hug. “But this trip was because someone wanted to ‘swim with the dolphins’ or ‘stand with the dolphins’ since that same someone doesn’t know how to swim. And I’m paying you guys pretty well so you gotta be professional, at least for a couple more days until I can kill you off in a boarding school train incident.”

“I thought it was a car accident.” Michael says pulling away from her.

Dani ruffles his hair. “I’m still playing around with the exact cause of death. But I need you guys to focus first. Can you handle it?”

“Yes.” They both say in unison.

“Great, then let’s hug it out.” The two pile on her and she gives them a tight hug, for once not looking for Palmer in the room as she gives them affection. But Palmer walks back from the balcony at the exact moment and sees them. A soft smile plays on her lips as she watches them untangle themselves.

“I just got off the phone with your dad, kids. Great news.” Palmer grins at the children. Oh no. “You’re going to have plenty of time with your mom tomorrow, because your dad and I are gonna have a nice long spa day.”

“Yay.” Dani pumps her fist in the air in mock celebration.

* * *

The morning Dani is walking around the putting green with Maggie and Michael in tow. She carries around three putters.

“What are we doing?” Michael asks as he watches Dani walk around muttering to herself.

“We’re going to take a couple of pictures to show how happy we are for Palmer.” Dani says distractedly before pulling out her phone. “I’m just gonna prepare her a little surprise for when she gets back.”

“Fake family extravaganza?” Maggie says as she takes the putter from Dani.

Dani smiles widely. “Exactly Kate Winslet.”

Michael rubs the back of his head. “Well, I kind of forgot to flush the toilet before we left the hotel so she’s gonna have two surprises.”

Dani gapes at him but takes a deep breath. _No, eye on the prize Dani._ She pulls out a small tripod from the bag she brought with them and settles her phone on it. She pulls off the wireless remote from the base and jogs over to where the kids stand in bemusement.

“Okay, big smiles. We’re having a blast.” They all pose ridiculously with their putters. “Okay Michael just made a long putt. Reactions!” Michael leans back and thrusts his fists into the air. Dani covers her mouth in faux surprise and Maggie has her hand over her head. “Now Maggie swung too hard and fell on her ass. Go!” Maggie immediately falls to the ground, a look of exaggerated surprise on her face. Michael points at her laughing and Dani looks concerned. “Okay, I just said the best joke of your lives. Everybody laugh!”

Michael leans on his putter. “Why do we always have to be laughing? Is there something wrong with us?”

“You’re easily amused.” Dani says with a grim smile. “Come on, big belly laughs. Emulate Santa!”

Maggie doesn’t look convinced either. “I can’t do this without any context. I need to have something to inspire me…”

“Are you serious, Keira Knightley?” Dani demands. “Have you been disassociating this whole fake vacation? This is prime fodder for a laugh.”

“Can we take a break?” Michael says before dropping to the grass. “I want to do something fun.”

“No,” Dani snaps. “We’re not here for fun, Capone.”

Michael gets up with a frown. “It’s fine Michael. It’s not like we ever have fun with our real mom anyway.” Maggie says before taking Michael in her arms.

Dani looks over at the hugging children and feels a tug on her heartstrings. She grimaces but decides to let her photoshoot drop for the moment. She can always take pictures later.

“Okay, change of plans.” She says before trotting over to her phone. She types away quickly to send a message to her cousin Eddie. Hopefully he’s awake. “I know you wanted your mom to teach you how to swim, mafia. But she’s not here and I am. So we have,” she looks at her phone. “Four hours until your dad gets back and I’m gonna teach you.” Eddie sends back a reply quickly and she smiles. “Come on hell spawn, we’re hitting the pool!”

She takes the kids to their suite so they can change into their swimsuits and waits for them before taking them with her to hers so she can get changes. Eddie comes out with black swim trunks with a patterned design. At first Dani thinks that he’s finally less of a weirdo but then she notices that the shorts have hentai tentacle porn on them instead of a regular pattern.

“Really?” she says in disgust.

Eddie just shrugs. “What? They had a fifty percent discount.”

She shakes her head and takes the kids’ hands. “Come on.” They all trudge downstairs to the massive pool complex that the hotel offers.

“How are we going to teach a kid to swim in four hours?” Eddie asks her as they get into the elevator.

Dani jabs her finger at the appropriate button and clenches her teeth. “The same way Grandpa Ed taught us.”

“He did it in eight hours.” Eddie winces. “Scary times.”

“Well, there’s two of us.” Dani mutters defensively. “And we’re both sober. Now go get into position.” She tells him as soon as they get off the elevator.

She takes the kids with her as they walk over to the equipment booth. “Aloha ma’am. We gonna need three towels and a set of floaties.”

Michael immediately scowls. “No! I’m not wearing floaties, nobody else is wearing them.”

“Very true mafia.” Dani says commiserating. She turns back to the attendant. “Four pairs of floaties please.”

They walk over to the pool, Dani slipping her floaties on as the kids do the same. Eddie is sitting by the poolside, his goggles on the top of his head. “Eddie! Catch.” Startled, he fumbles at the thrown floaties but manages to catch them. At his expression, she scowls. “Just put them on and get in the pool.”

Michael steps next to her by the pool, his floaties in place. He looks nervously at the clear water. “How are you gonna teach me so quick? My friend took all summer to learn.”

“It’s an intensive program.” Dani says before pushing him into the pool. Michael sputters to the surface, Eddie holding him up.

“Extremely intensive.” Eddie agrees.

* * *

In the hotel’s deluxe spa offered by the hotel, Palmer and Charles sit next to each other as they get mani-pedis. They sit awkwardly next to each other, neither knowing what to say. Palmer decides to broach the silence.

“I’m really glad that you’re here with me today.”

Charles gives her a nervous smile. “Are you kidding? Spa day away from the kids. It’s a gift, thank you!”

They sit there stewing for a moment.

“You know,” Palmer says slowly. “In the beginning, you were a little intimidating. A mature, attractive man who had Dani’s kids. But now that I’ve gotten to know you, I think you’re really great and obviously awesome with your kids.”

“Well,” Charles says, thinking quickly. “At first when Dani told me about you, specifically how young you were, I thought— ‘geez, not again.’ But now after spending some time with you, I can see why she fell for you.”

Palmer smiles. “You’re great for the ego, Devlin.”

* * *

Dani is standing in the pool next to Maggie and Michael, who are perched on the edge. She turns to Michael with a wide smile.

“You’re doing great, mafia!” she says enthusiastically. “But we’re gonna kick it up a notch. You’re gonna swim over there to Eddie and if you make to him without touching the bottom, he’ll give you a dolphin cookie.”

Eddie waves a glazed cookie at them with a smile.

“Is that what you grandpa gave you?” Maggie asks.

Dani snorts. “No, he gave us something called a ‘Heineken’.”

“I want one of those!” Michael says.

“No,” she retorts firmly. “Let’s stick with the cookie. Now, let’s focus. I know you can do it. Just take a deep breath and stay relaxed.”

Michael takes a deep breath and slips into the water with a splash. He thrashes in the water, his movements ungraceful but he makes it work, slowly moving through the water until he reaches Eddie. The three of them clap loudly for Michael and he happily crunches down on the cookie. Dani wades over to Eddie, Maggie choosing to slip into the water to play around.

“Hey, mafia, look at you!” Dani says to a beaming Michael. “I don’t know why you wanna swim with dolphins if you’re practically a dolphin already!”

He laughs before slipping back to the water to practice some more, Maggie quickly joining him. Eddie and Dani stare at the two in silence, then Eddie turns to Dani.

“Well, look at Ms. Mom over here.” Eddie teases while Dani rolls her eyes. “Maybe you are ready to settle down.”

“I don’t know why people have such a hard time believing it.”

Maggie splashes her way over. “Dani, can we get some quesadillas when we get out of the pool? I’m starving!”

“You got it, Mags.” Satisfied with the answer, Maggie splashes away to Michael again. Dani turns back to Eddie. “I’m pretty good at the family thing, aren’t I?”

Eddie shrugs. “Seems like it. Maybe you should pick up on of the rings that you were looking at.”

“Maybe if I had a moment alone I would.” Danny gripes.

* * *

Charles and Palmer are now getting massages from two Hawaiian men. They’re tall and statuesque, their brown bodies glistening as they work at the backs of the now relaxed pair. They mostly unwind in silence, enjoying the soft strains of melodic music and the ease with which the masseuses work out the knots.

“Can I ask you a question?” Palmer asks. Charles grunts at her affirmatively. “It’s Dani’s birthday next week and I have no idea what to buy her.”

“Well, don’t buy her any make-up.” Charles says after a beat. “She never wears any. In fact, steer clear of clothes too. She loves to go shopping for herself. It’s like she’s still a thirteen-year-old girl. It’s both pathetic and hilarious at the same time.”

Palmer hums. “Well, that’s good to know.” Comfortable silence falls again. “Anything else?”

Charles clucks his tongue, thinking. “Let’s see… she likes audiobooks, so that she can hear them in her car and in her office. Mostly romance novels, the sappier the better. She likes violent video games, even though she’s never harmed a thing in her life and faints if she finds a spider. Manga novels with cat boys are her absolute favorite but she hates to spend any money on such a dweeby past time, so she loves it when someone gifts them to her. Mint chocolate, licorice, Nerds…”

“Wow, you really do know everything about her!”

Charles pauses then thinks about his relationship with Dani before smiling. “Well, I’ve known her for a really long time.”

Palmer lowers her voice. “Did she ever go so long without shaving? Because it kinda grosses me out now that she’s so hairy.”

“Maybe you should buy her a razor.” Charles replies simply, refusing to dwell on the image of a naked Dani.

* * *

Dani, Michael, and Maggie are perched on the ledge again, Eddie at the furthest edge. Dani cups her hands around her mouth.

“How many more cookies have you got?”

“Like twenty at most.”

She turns to Michael. “Okay, capo, what do you think? He’s got twenty cookies and he’s like twenty feet away. Think you can make it?”

Michael looks out at the water; from his position the stretch of water looks endless. But a familiar steely expression settles on his face. “Let’s do this.”

“Atta boy!” Dani crows. “You’re ready to rumble!”

“Almost.” He gives Dany a shy smile before pulling off his floaties.

“My dude is serious.” Dani says nodding in approval. At the other edge of the pool, Eddie is yelling his own encouragement. Before Michael slips into the water, Maggie places a hand on his arm.

“Are you sure, Michael?” she says.

Michael nods at her before turning to beam at Dani. For the first time Dani finally sees the perpetual gloom slide away completely from the kid. She smiles back at him with pride.

“Okay, mafia. This is it. Your final exam.” She looks at the digital clock hanging above the snack kiosk. “And only three hours and fifty-two minutes! World record for sure.”

Michael laughs and lowers his goggles. he takes a deep breath and slips into the water. At that moment, Palmer and Charles turn the corner. Immediately cluing into what’s going on, Charles looks shocked and afraid for Michael for a moment. But the boy thrashes furiously, makes headway towards Eddie, and Charles goes closer to the water.

Dani, unaware that the they have an audience, shouts at Michael encouragement when she sees him slowing down. “Come on, buttercup! You got this!”

He’s halfway there when he slows even more. “It’s all you, buddy!” Eddie shouts as well.

He gets a second wind and starts splashing again, he’s at most four feet away when he seems to stop.

“Go, baby! Go!” At the sound of his father’s voice, Michael raises his head from the pool. A sudden burst of energy fills him, and he furiously swims without stopping until he reaches the ledge.

All of them cheer, even some strangers who got caught up in the excitement. Dani doesn’t turn to look for Palmer as she wades happily towards Michael, catching him in a tight hug. Palmer smiles softly at Dani, her expression filled with love. Next to her Charles stands, a small smile on his face as he takes in the sight of his kids with Dani.

Then, “What are we looking at?” Devlin asks suddenly appearing next to Charles. She’s wearing a white wrap covering her black swimsuit, a large pair of expensive looking sunglasses perched on her dainty nose.

Charles reacts, “Devlin! Whoa, you totally snuck up on me!”

“I did?” Devlin sniffs. “Must be a sign of your dirty conscious.”

Charles grits his teeth.

“Devlin?” Palmer asks from beside Charles.

“Oh, heh, yeah. Palmer this is Devlin, she’s an old friend from college.” Charles says nervously. “Devlin, this is Palmer Dodge.”

“Aloha, Palmer.” Devlin looks at the younger girl with scrutiny. “Are you the au pair?”

“Actually,” Palmer says in annoyance. “I’m the girlfriend.”

“Who’s girlfriend?” Devlin wrinkles her nose in confusion.

Eddie choses that moment to break in. “Guten dag! I am Dolph, wilkommen. And I must say, you are a ravishing, _stunning—_ ”

Devlin cuts him off, shoving her ring finger in his face. “Married, flattered, thanks.” She turns back to Charles. “Where’s Dani?”

Charles points at Dani in the water. “There she is. Teaching our son how to swim.”

Devlin waves at Dani. “Hi, Doctor!”

Dani waves absently before looking over. When she sees who’s with Palmer and Charles, her mouth drops open.

“She watched the kids today, so we could have a relaxing day at the spa.” Charles says with a sense of contentment.

“Wow, that’s so sweet.” Devlin looks impressed. “So, Palmer, how do you know the Maccabees?”

Palmer squints at the use of the last name to identify both Charles and Dani but doesn’t question it. “Well, I met Dani a couple of weeks ago at a party, and then I met this charming man a few days later.”

“Yep, that’s right.” Charles chimes in.

“Well, this one has come a long way,” Devlin laughs. “Because let me tell you, by the way he burned through girls, _and boys,_ there was a time when we all thought he’d end up with AIDS. But apparently he’s finally settled down with a great person.”

Palmer blinks, her smile gone at Devlin’s obvious distaste for Charles’s past love life. “Well, I guess if you like sheep?”

Devlin looks at Charles before looking over at Dani, confused. Charles shrugs. Dani lets out a strange noise that sounds like braying.

“Wasn’t that a donkey?” Devlin points out unnecessarily.

Charles laughs, a touch too loud.

“You know what’s wild?” Palmer starts to say. “I never met anyone with the name Devlin before and now it turns out that it’s unisex. I mean your name is Devlin and his name is—”

Saying a quick apology towards Palmer in his mind, Charles shoves her into the water. She squeals and Eddie jumps after her.

“Ha!” Eddie shouts. “Me and Charles were tag-teaming Dani and Palmer in Bavarian Pool Rugby. But she let down her guard and it’s time to collect!”

He pushes down a spluttering Palmer back into the water. Charles forces his attention away from that train wreck and looks back at Devlin.

“Isn’t Dolph a riot?” he says with a nervous titter.

“For a foreigner.” Devlin says in distaste before switching her attention to Charles as well. “Look, something opened up in our schedule tonight – Jim Nabors has strep throat so we’re good to go for dinner with you and Dani. Oceano’s at 7?”

“Tonight?” Charles bites his lip.

“Oh no,” Devlin coos. “Are you two fighting?”

“No, no, everything is fine. We’ll be there.”

Devlin smiles. “Excellent! I’ll just go to my room to get ready.” She leans in towards Charles. “I’m in room 1200. The ones that end in ‘00’ are the suites. Which one are you in again?”

“Dani’s in the Presidential Suite. Which is too big to even have a number you know. And I, uh,” Charles swallows. “I’m in the same room with her. Because we make love and spend nice times together.”

“I’ll bet.” Devlin says sweetly. “See you tonight! Ta-ta!”

Charles smiles wanly as Devlin saunters off. Behind him, Eddie finally let’s go of Palmer and she comes out of the water with a gasp.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She demands at Eddie angrily. He merely smiles uncertainly and hunches his shoulders. She swats at him in anger and picks her way out of the pool. Dani hurries after her but Charles catches her hand before she can go.

“Bad news.”

Dani groans. “Now what?”

“Devlin invited me to dinner at 7.”

“Please tell me you said no.” Dani pleads.

“Well I was going to, but then she implied that we were fighting, and I just panicked!”

Dani face-palms. “Okay, fine. Let me see what I can do with Palmer.” She looks pointedly at where Charles still has a loose grip on her wrist. Charles lets go quickly, a flush covering his cheeks. Something twinges in Dani’s stomach but that’s probably just hunger from being the pool so long. She gives him a curt nod and hurries after Palmer.

When she arrives at their suite, Palmer is already in the shower. She settles in their bedroom, waiting for her to come out as she thinks furiously at how to resolve this new complication. When Palmer walks out, wrapped in a towel, long legs glistening with water, Dani almost gets side-tracked.

“You know, it was kind of weird that Charles and Eddie conspired to throw me into the pool.” She says while toweling at her hair.

Dani shrugs. “Eh. you know they’ve got weird kinks. They’re men, they like rough-housing and shit like that. I wouldn’t take it personally.”

Palmer hums before shrugging. “All right.” She drapes her hair towel against a chair before unwrapping the towel against her body. Dani smiles appreciatively. “So I was thinking that maybe tonight we could have a little you and me time?”

 _Dinner, schminner_ , Dani thinks. “Sounds like a plan babe.”

Palmer winks and Dani goes to tug off her clothes. “Don’t. I still want to go out.”

Dani pouts as Palmer goes back into the bathroom, her clothes in her hand. Once she’s in the bathroom, she quickly takes out her phone and calls Charles.

“Hey, listen you’ve gotta get us out of this dinner thing, Palmer told me we would have sexy times tonight!”

Charles sighs. “Look, when we’ve finished with this thing, you’ll have your precious Palmer. But what am I getting out of this? A sunburn and a perpetual hangover from all the stress drinking. All I ask is this stupid dinner so I can save face with that awful woman!”

“Palmer wants to go out.” Dani says by way of response. “What am I supposed to say to her?”

“Leave it to me, just put her on the phone.”

“She’s getting ready in the bathroom.”

“Like you haven’t seen her naked before. Just go in there and give her the damn phone.”

Grumbling, Dani gets up and opens the door of the bathroom. _Old Town Road_ blasts from her phone, the noise from her hairdryer unable to completely drown out the music.

“Is she listening to Lil Nas?” Charles asks laughing.

“She’s young, okay!” Dani whispers defensively. She raises her voice so Palmer can hear her. “Palmer babe, call for you.”

Palmer shuts off her hairdryer and lowers the volume on her music, bemused. Dani gives her the phone. “Hello?” she listens for a long time before frowning. “I don’t know, let me check with Dani.” She turns the phone towards her chest. “It’s Dolph. He says he wants to go to dinner with me and have some ‘step-parent bonding time’. Since we’re the new ones in the family, we should talk about how to deal with the kids.”

“And you’re okay with that?” Dani asks.

“Well, so long as he doesn’t try to drown me again.” Palmer mutters before turning back to call so that she can hash out the details with Eddie.

Back in Charles’s suite, Eddie hangs up the call and gives a thumbs up to Charles.

“What am I gonna say to her all night?” He whines.

“Are you kidding me?” Charles asks incredulous. “You babble crazy bullshit for hours in your Eurotrash accent. Just do it someplace as far from here as possible for as long as possible.”

Eddie nods. “If I do good, can I sleep on the bed with you tonight?”

“No,” Charles says curtly. “You’re tub for life.”

Behind them the bathroom door is open, the tub outfitted with a pillow and blankets.

* * *

Dani meets Charles in the hallway, and they make their way downstairs together after Eddie and Palmer leave. “So what’s the deal?”

Charles shrugs. “Just stick to the lies we’ve established so far: we’re happily married, have two kids, and crazy in love.”

Dani grins mischievously. “Can I talk about sex toys to freak Devlin out?”

“No.” Charles rolls his eyes but laughs against his better judgment. “Just follow my lead.”

“Ooh, a top,” Dani waggles her eyebrows suggestively. “Me likey.”

Charles flushes. “Stop it!” Dani laughs but subsides. “Anyway, I want to thank you for helping me out. I know I kind of bit your head off earlier but, thanks. Truly.”

Dani suddenly feels hot. “Uh, yeah what are friends for?”

Charles gives her a warm smile before they get off the elevator. They walk in companionable silence towards the rental that Dani got and head out towards the restaurant. The restaurant that Devlin invited them to is swanky, clearly upper class, and Charles can’t help but be intimidated.

“Hey, it’ll be all right.” Dani says soothingly. She takes one of his clenched hands and covers it with her hands. “You hang out with me all the time and you know I’m obscenely rich.”

Charles rolls his eyes at her but doesn’t take his hand away. It’s nice. “Yeah, but that’s because you’re a huge dork.”

“Exactly, and all of those little stuck-ups, including Devlin, are dorks who hide behind their wealth to make it seem like they’re not dorks.” Charles laughs, nervousness abated somewhat. “Now, let’s go husband. We’re gonna knock ‘em dead.”

They get out of the rental and walk to the restaurant, giving their names to the maître d, and then following him to the table where Devlin and Ian already sat. They make small talk, Devlin making relatively tame remarks to Charles and Dani. It isn’t until they’re almost finishing their meals that Dani finally remembers what she was meaning to ask Ian.

“So Ian, the iPod… did you meet Steve Jobs?”

Ian laughs. “Several times.”

“You must have received a promotion or at the very least a decent bonus for it.” Dani says taking a sip at her drink.

“Well, let me put it this way,” Ian smiles a touch condescendingly. “I’ll never have to invent anything ever again and thanks to all the money from that I am now free to pursue my true passion.” They all wait. “Building homes for the victims of the Belgian earthquake.”

“Belgium had an earthquake.” Charles raises an eyebrow. “I didn’t hear anything about that.”

Ian nods solemnly. “Exactly, it’s not ‘sexy’ news, so the victims are forgotten entirely.”

Devlin puts her hand on Ian’s arm. “Most people hear ‘Belgian’ and immediately think of waffles. But to us, it means sadness.”

“They’ve lost so much, and we have so much.” Ian puts his fist against his mouth.

“ _So much_.” Devlin chimes in.

“And now I’m just trying to give some of that muchness back.” Ian’s eyes glisten and Devlin wraps him into a tight hug.

“Isn’t he wonderful?” Devlin exclaims happily. “Oh just look at us now, Charles! Both so happily married. Everything I always hoped for, right, Yogi?”

Ian brings his nose to hers. “Right, Boo-Boo.” They rub their noses together.

Charles stares at the two in disbelief when his phone buzzes.

 ** _Was she this wacko in college?_** Charles looks at Dani and she gives him a secretive grin.

 ** _I think I’m gonna devlin._ **He writes back.

* * *

On the other side of the island, Palmer and Eddie bounce over the rough terrain in a rickety old jeep. The bouncing around makes it difficult to talk and it isn’t until they pull up at a seedy looking shack that Palmer turns to look at Eddie in disbelief.

“ _This_ is it?”

“Ja,” Eddie nods nervously. “The hotel said it was amazing. Unt also very far away.”

Palmer gives him a wan smile, obviously trying to make the best of the situation.

* * *

Back at Oceano’s Dani and Charles down their drinks desperately. Devlin is clearly in her element as she turns to face Charles.

“So Dani’s a plastic surgeon. How convenient for you Charles.” She says with a saccharine smile.

“Charles?” Dani blurts out, glistening eight-pack popping to her mind. “Are you joking? His good genes gave him everything he needs. Good genes and staircases, apparently.”

“Here, here.” Ian raises his tumbler in toast. “And what about you Daniela? Ever get any work on yourself?” His eyes narrow as he scrutinizes Dani’s face. “Maybe the old nosey-poo?”

“What a silly question, honeybun!” Devlin laughs with an airy wave. “If such a prominent surgeon like Dari gave herself a nose job, she could have done a much better job than that.”

Devlin and Ian laugh, ignoring Charles’s clenched jaw and Dani’s glittering eyes.

“So sorry Dani, she’s just incorrigible.” Ian says to Dani after they quiet down.

“So true.” Devlin says with a careless shrug. “So how about me? How would you ‘fix’ me?”

Dani takes a sip of her margarita, taking her sweet time to look over Devlin before putting down her drink carefully.

“Nothing.” She says, deliberately not looking at Charles who tenses at her word. Devlin laughs delightedly and turns to Charles to crow victory, but Dani isn’t finished yet and continues. “I mean, the guy who did your arms took out too much fat, but I guess that’s what sleeves are for. And going through the armpits with your breast implants isn’t too much common anymore, but Dr. Bernardi doesn’t seem to want to move on from that technique. That’s who did your work right?”

Devlin’s mouth drops before she collects herself and switches to subject over to Charles. “So, where did you two meet?”

“We met at a concert.” Charles eyes dance, still enjoying Dani’s complete destruction of Devlin’s ego.

Dani smiles at Charles. “Sting, live at Hyde Park in 2005. It was a benefit to raise money for poverty around the world. Very sexy.”

Charles squeezes her hand that she has on the table, gratefully. “Anyway, I was in the front row rocking out to ‘So Lonely’ when all of a sudden Sting motions for me to come dance on stage.”

“Really?” Devlin says in disbelief. “You?”

“Yes, me. Armpit.” Charles mutters the latter under his breath before continuing in a normal tone. “So, I started heading for the stage.”

“But then this drunk skank next to him thinks that Sting was pointing at her and starts clawing at Charles.” Dani says. “This chick was wild, inching for fight, and Charles was missing his chance to get Stung.”

Charles smiles at Dani’s comments. “But then all of a sudden, this gorgeous girl grabs the drunken woman and pulls her off me. She smiles at me says, ‘I’ll hold her, you go dance handsome. So I just turned to her and kissed her hard and deep—”

“Wait,” Dani interjects. “Say that again.”

“I kissed her hard and deep.” Charles turns to look at her, the look in his eye complementing his gravelly voice. “Really hard and deep.”

Dani squirms and knocks back the rest of her margarita. “Continue.”

“Anyway, I climbed on stage and danced my ass off with Der Stinglehoffer.”

Devlin blinks. “Did you do more than dance with him?”

Ian interjects before Charles can answer. “Of course he did, you know those rock stars and their morally loose ways.”

“No,” Dani says angrily. “He turned him down. The only one who got to see his waxed muscles that night was me. Only back then he wasn’t waxed so it was like cuddling the most ripped teddy bear on earth.”

“Easy, there.” Charles warns.

“Why don’t you two wear wedding rings?” Devlin asks before turning to inspect Dani’s hand. “Or an engagement ring?”

“Funny story,” Charles says with a shit-eating grin. “Dani hates the idea of rings, especially engagement rings. Wouldn’t be caught wearing one, ever. Patriarchy and all that you know.”

Ian’s phone rings, he answers it and goes to stand up but pauses. “Hang on a second. So sorry, this is one of my foundations. I have to take this.” He says to the table at large. Then he turns to look at Devlin, a serious expression on his face.

“Your virtue, your intelligence, your passion.” Devlin says in a dramatic tone.

“Your beauty, your drive, your womanhood.” Ian says in an equally dramatic tone before walking off.

Charles and Dani look at Devlin questioningly.

“Oh, that.” Devlin waves a casual hand. “It just something we do whenever the other leaves. We say what we love most about each other.”

“That’s great.” Charles says.

“It keeps us connected.” She gestures at the two. “You should try it.”

“Maybe later.” Charles says.

“That’s okay. Not everyone can do it.” Devlin says in faux sympathy. “We just have so much love that that we just can’t help but express it all the time.”

Charles slams back his tequila. “We’ll do it now.”

* * *

The other ‘step-parents’ weren’t having nearly as much fun. Palmer swings back another shot of tequila as Eddie rambles on.

“…broke and penniless I took to the streets to sell my wares.” Eddie pauses dramatically. “And by wares, I meant my body. And by my body, I mean my schnitzel.”

Palmer grimaces. She’d kill for a random meteor to strike her now. To her happy surprise, a teenage girl runs in.

“Help! Is there a veterinarian in here? My pet sheep has passed out!” Palmer’s eyebrows shoot up. “He’s not breathing! I don’t know what’s wrong!”

No one says anything but Palmer points to Eddie. “He’s not a vet! But he sells sheep for a living. Maybe he can help.”

Eddie nods drunkenly before remembering that he’s the one masquerading as a sheep farmer. “Who me? Yes, right, me. I am. I do.”

The girl squeals and runs over to him, tugging him out of his chair by the hand. Everyone in the restaurant follows. Outside, lying on the ground is a sheep. Under everyone’s watchful gaze, Eddie goes over to inspect the sheep. He kneels beside it and awkwardly pats its pelt.

“In my expert opinion, this sheep is dead. Sorry.”

The girl wails but then the sheep bleats and spasms. “No! He’s still alive! Do something!”

Everyone stares at Eddie. He gulps, feeling the pleasant buzz from the alcohol leaving him.

* * *

“Okay, so what do we do?” Dani says following Charles’s proclamation.

Devlin smirks and tucks her hands under her chin. “Look each other in the eyes and say what you love about the other.”

Charles and Dani turn to each other, Dani smiling slightly while Charles has a pinched look on his face.

“Hello.” Dani says.

“Hello.” Charles replies.

“So tell me what you love about me.” Dani says settling in her chair without breaking their gaze.

“Well, I love… what a good doctor you are.”

“Go on.” Devlin waves her hands.

Charles looks like he was anywhere else but maintains eye contact. “I love your sense of humor, and… your personality, and your dorkiness… and how you secretly have a big heart, full of kindness and humility and…”

Sensing Charles wasn’t going to say anything else, Dani prompts, “Blood?”

“And blood. Yeah I don’t know.” Charles bites his lip. “You’re just a good person, who’s very nice and I… love to be with you.”

Dani blinks touched by Charles’s obvious sincerity. “Thank you.”

“Dani?” Devlin prompts.

“Uh, okay.” Dani stares into Charles’s green eyes. She’d never noticed that they were so vibrant. Naturally, her first instinct is to deflect. “So I totally dig the Brazilian wax that he’s constantly showing me, all those rippling muscles uncovered by pesky things like body hair, and of course your sense of humor, your personality and your dork—”

“NO repeats!” Devlin snarls.

Dani jumps. “Okay, didn’t know we were being judged but whatever.” She turns back to Charles. “Uh, I love… how you do stuff. Like you never do it for yourself, it’s always for the rest of us. I mean to be truly honest, I’d be lost without you. You are…the only person I’ve never lied to.” Charles’s eyes widen as Dani gives him a rueful smile. They both know what she means. “And you’re a great father. And your smile. It’s amazing, and whenever I see it, that’s when my day actually starts.”

Charles smiles softly at her, taking her hand from the table and rubbing his thumb over the back.

“Anyway!” Devlin says loudly. “I won best smile in my sorority for three years straight. Remember Charles?”

Charles flinches at her voice and let’s go of Dani’s hand quickly. “Yes, I do.”

Dani and Charles busy themselves on their silverware and avoid each other’s gaze.

* * *

 _Okay, Simms. This is it. This is the reason why you have fake sheep raising experience._ Eddie thinks to himself before taking a deep breath. He screws his eyes shut and plunges headfirst. _Well at the very least I’ve kissed someone on this trip._ He thinks wildly. The sheep stays prone, his clumsy attempts at CPR doing nothing. The teenage girl who’d gone to look for him is wailing.

“Breathe, goddammit, breath!” Eddie swears as he blows air into the sheep’s mouth.

A sudden brainwave hits him, and he switches position. He positions his arms in the middle of the sheep and presses down. The girl screams. It looks like he’s strangling the poor thing. Every time he thrusts against the sheep, the crowd flinches.

“You’re killing him!” A guy yells.

Eddie is in the zone, thrusting like hell like his life depends on it. _No, this is for the sheep._ Suddenly a squeak is heard and a small thump as a rubber duck flies out the sheep’s mouth. The sheep takes a deep breath and starts to struggle to get free. The crowd yells and applauds. Eddie gets up sheepishly and the teenage girl who’d gone to get him earlier launches herself at him, crying happily.

 _Mmm, breasts._ He thinks to himself. He tightens his arms around her, but she yanks away with a frown.

“Wow Dolph, that was really something.” Palmer goes to him with a smile. “I didn’t know the Heimlich worked on animals!”

He laughs nervously. “Ja. Animals and humans are very alike. How about a drink?”

* * *

In Oceano’s, Devlin dominates the conversation as Dani and Charles continue sucking down drinks without meeting each other’s gaze. Ian suddenly comes back.

“Butterfly kisses, bunny.” He says to Devlin as he sits down. The two exchange kisses, cooing at each other. Dani and Charles make deer antlers over their heads and pucker their lips like fish at each other, both laughing as they forgot their earlier discomfiture.

On the stage, the band finishes their song and an announcer comes on stage. His smile stands stark white against the orange tone of his skin.

“All right folks, it’s time for the legendary Oceano’s Hula Contest!” The crowd cheers. “Tonight’s winner will receive their meal on the house, courtesy of Oceano’s. So contestants, please report to the ladies lounge!”

Devlin immediately turns to Ian. “Babe, are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

Ian raises her hand to his lips, kissing the knuckles. “Boo-boo you would definitely win.”

“Wait, you know how to hula?” Charles asks.

Devlin waves her hands around. “Psh, come on, how hard can it be?”

“Besides, I hardly think that any of these women know.” Ian says as they see middle-class American women get up. Devlin smirks. “And frankly, if anyone would win it would be my little Boo-Boo who has been doing power yoga, Pilates, and strippercise religiously for the last ten years.”

“Not to brag of course.” Devlin says with a small smile. “Just trying to explain why ‘hula’ would be completely easy for me.”

“Plus, the ancient art of hula about expressing your sensuality. And _nobody_ brings sexy like Devlin Maxtone-Jones.” Ian growls playfully at Devlin and she claws at the air in response.

“Ooh, you like what Mommy had?”

“Baby likes.” Ian says before they kiss. Across from them, Charles and Dani are bemused, halfway between disgust and stupefied.

“I’ll do it!” Devlin announces as she jumps to her feet.

Ian claps at her. “Good show! Dani, what about you?”

Dani laughs. “Me? Dance?” She gets a gleam in her eye. “But I’ve seen some pretty spicy videos about male hula dancers.”

Charles chokes on his drink. “Oh no, no, no, no.”

“Charles?” Devlin laughs before waving at him dismissively. “This isn’t Charles’s thing. He’s not used to the attention.”

“Oh no, this is more your speed.” Charles says with a grim smile.

“I know,” Devlin shakes her head. “Remember that one time there was a kissing contest to see who could get more kisses in one night?”

“Yeah, you were supposed to be my girlfriend.” Charles mutters before swallowing down another drink.

“ _I won!”_ Devlin says in an exultant voice, not really listening to him. “Charles’s butt never left the chair. It’s just, some people are more comfortable in the sidelines, please try not to judge.”

She leans down and touches her forehead to Ian’s. “Your honesty, your fearlessness, your tickle spot.” He says solemnly to her.

“Your creativity, your bravery, your nipples.” She replies before flouncing out.

Ian sighs. “She’s my everything.”

“Yeah.” Charles downs a shot of tequila a passing waiter left him. “I’m gonna do the hula thing.”

“Please, don’t feel pressured—” Ian begins to say but Charles cuts him off brusquely.

“I’m not the one who should be feeling the pressure.” He stalks off.

“Oh man, Baby likes.” Dani says before turning to Ian. “Sorry.”

Ian launches into a long-winded ramble about how he created the iPod. Dani rolls her eyes and signals for another round of drinks for herself. After what felt like the longest five minutes of her life, the announcer comes onstage again.

“Ladies and gentlepeople, please give a warm welcome to tonight’s hula dancers!” He announces with a wave of his hand. Five women, including Devlin, and Charles come out. The women are wearing grass skirts and coconut bras while Charles is shirtless and wears what can only be called as a glorified loincloth with grass covering his front and rear. Thanks to the sunny day they’d enjoyed the day before, his skin is a gleaming bronze, the lights on the stage really bringing his absurd muscle definition in stark relief.

At the sight of the dancers, everyone applauds, the men enjoying the sight of the women and the women more than enthusiastic at seeing Charles. The band begins to play the drums in an upbeat tempo, and the dancers start to move. Most of them are awkward and self-conscious and it shows as they dance. Devlin shimmies her body in seductive moves, not at all paced with the music. Charles looks around the women before making eye contact with Dani, not moving a muscle.

 _You’ll do great._ She mouths at him and he seems to lose some tension. Taking a deep breath, Charles squares his shoulder and takes a step. He doesn’t move with the overconfident sensuality that Devlin displays, opting to step firmly, the sound of his feet reverberating on the wooden stage. He takes a step back, the grass parting to display his defined thigh as he squats, then he takes another step to the right before swinging quickly back to the left. He holds his arms ramrod straight, his biceps bunching as he moves one forward as he takes a step. His skin quickly gains a sheen of sweat, and man the sight of Charles’s abdomen flexing, small beads of sweat running over the ridges, as he moves will be seared on Dani’s retinas until the day she dies.

At the sound of his first step, most of the women startle and stop their dancing to stare at him. Devlin frowns at the way everyone’s attention is focused on him and moves in front of him, keeping her body moving in a sinuous but off-beat way. Charles pays no attention, using his steps to move away from her so that she no longer blocks him off. She smiles, a prom queen picture perfect smile on her red lips, as she dances and when the drums taper off, she ends with a quick shimmy of her rear, a pale imitation of a hula dancer’s rolling hips.

Ian side-eyes Dani. “I can see why your sex life is still very active.”

Dani just grunts. That man is an absolute menace. The announcer steps forward as the crowd goes wild when the drumbeat ends. “Well, we did not imagine we’d have a budding hula dancer in our midst.” On stage, Charles blushes, his previous confidence slipped away. “I mean to me, we have a clear winner but let’s hear it from our audience!” He pauses for the whistles and cheers to die down. “Okay, so this is how we’re gonna do this, I’ll stand in front of one of the dancers and judging by the amount of applause, we’ll define a winner.”

He stands in front of the first four women, and they each receive a polite applause. The announcer asks them to leave the stage and they all smile at Charles as they leave. Which doesn’t make Dani’s stomach clench at all. Nope, no jealousy there. Then the announcer steps next to Charles. The crowd goes crazy, some women even giving him a standing ovation. Chuckling, the announcer steps to Devlin and she receives a polite applause. Jaw working, she steps forward before the announcer can send her away and turns to flash her panties at the crowd.

The change is instantaneous, the men standing up to applaud wildly. Ian claps until Dani thinks he might sprain something. Onstage, Devlin smirks.

“All right folks, it seems we have a tie!” the announcer says with a smile.

“Great!” Charles turns to Devlin. “That means we both win!”

Devlin yanks the microphone from the announcer’s hand. “What’s the tiebreaker?” she demands, a hand on her hip. “What’s the tiebreaker?”

* * *

And so, that’s how Dani found herself onstage inches away from Charles’s gleaming pecs with only a dry coconut between their stomachs to separate her from the swathe of tempting skin. The announcer is still going on about the rules of the game, but Dani isn’t completely stupid. She knows that the purpose is to ~~get her up close and personal with the drop-dead gorgeous Charles~~ make sure the coconut goes between their mouths without them touching it with their hands.

“Ready?” Charles asks her.

“I was born ready.” She quips.

Behind her, she hears Ian talking to Devlin. “Can I go to the little boy’s room?”

“No! Squeeze it in!” Devlin says.

“Let’s get Coco-Nuttie!” The announcer suddenly says, and she exchanges a look with Charles. The wonder twins aren’t going to win this one. They begin to undulate their bodies so that the coconut travels upwards, their efforts backtracking each time their gazes cross and they laugh. Suddenly the coconut is near Dani’s chest and Charles’s mouth is just inches from hers. Laughter dies on her lips as she stares at Charles.

“Sorry about this.” She mutters to him.

He gives a rueful grin. “Are you? Really?”

She takes advantage to look at him over again before grinning. “Nah, not really.”

Charles’s eyes flick over to Devlin and her husband. Their coconut is much closer to their goal, reaching by their neck already when their luck changes—the coconut falls.

“Pick it up!” Devlin hisses to Ian. At her words, Dani turns her head to look. Ian reaches for it with his hand but Devlin snarls. “Not with your hands, you buffoon!”

Ian looks at her in panic, but Devlin just taps her foot imperiously. A grim look of concentration crosses Ian’s face and he steps determined towards the fallen coconut. Taking a deep breath, he squats above the coconut making the crowd roar with disbelief and firmly clenches it between his buttocks. Dani bursts out laughing with Charles, almost making them drop their coconut, as Ian backs up carefully against Devlin to put the coconut on her belly before turning around again.

Charles and Dani turn their attention back to the game and start moving again. The coconut reaches their neck when the position feels even more intimate than earlier. Charles has his face buried in Dani’s hair while Dani’s is in his neck. Dani is practically draped over Charles. Despite the height difference, Charles’s 190-centimeter frame usually towering over her average 160, he squats to meet her height and so Dani feels the rest of his body brush hers each time they move at the coconut. Somehow, despite their movements, the coconut gets stuck.

“What’s going on? What’s the hold-up?” Dani demands, feeling Charles’s body slowly stop moving. Not that she was focused on how his chest occasionally brushed her breasts.

He startles minutely, jerking his attention away from the mouth-watering smell of her strawberry scented hair. “Nothing! What’s going on with you?” he says noticing that she had stopped too.

“Nothing!” she says a touch defensively and they start moving at the coconut again. With difficulty they finally manage to get it between their cheeks and then carefully twist their heads so they each have the coconut between their mouths.

Dani tries really hard to avoid thinking about not having anything between them at all.

The restaurant bursts into applause and the announcer steps toward them. They let go of the coconut and take a step back, grinning at each other with pride.

“Wow!” the announcer says with an easy grin. “Now that was teamwork! How long have you two been together?”

“Eight years.” Dani says.

“Ten years.” Charles says simultaneously.

They catch each other’s gaze.

“Eight years.” Charles says hurriedly.

“Ten years.” Dani says at the same time.

They both shuffle their feet and lean towards the mic at the same time again. “It’s been a long time.” They say.

When they get back to the hotel, Dani feels reluctant to go back to her empty room.

“Walk with me a bit?” she says turning to Charles. He gives her a strange look but nods.

They head towards the pool, the moon reflecting over the pool’s still waters. Dani tilts her head up to look at the sky, trying to work through the confusing feelings that Charles had ignited during the dinner.

“Where did you even learn to dance like that?” She says after a couple of seconds of comfortable silence.

Charles rubs the back of his neck. “Ever since my divorce, I took up dance classes. I haven’t told the kids because then Maggie would start in on going with me and well, I like having the time to myself.”

“You don’t get a lot of time to yourself.” Dani makes an understanding face. “But like, how’d you learn hula?”

“My dad is half-Samoan.” He says tilting his head to the side as he looks up at the sky as well. “I mean, he was adopted so that means I have the whitest last name possible but when I started to look for dance classes I was curious about that side of me. And to be honest, the bodies of the dancers that I saw on YouTube, god damn.”

They share a laugh.

“Well, it’s definitely paid off.” Dani says with a soft swipe at his biceps. She touches him quickly, rapidly taking her hand away.

“I do go to the gym most of the week, so it’s not all dancing.” Charles says. That quick touch to his arm feeling like it burned. “Anyway, you totally decimated Devlin back there when you talked about her plastic surgery.”

Dani chuckles. “Oh yeah, but not as much when you totally showed her up with your wicked hula.”

“Completely worth the embarrassment.” Charles smirks.

“She’s totally going to kick Johnny iPod’s ass tonight.” Dani says before turning towards the direction of the elevators. “Come on, I can’t keep you from your kids all night.”

She’s focused on their destination, so she doesn’t see the look on Charles’s face. From the looks of it, he definitely wouldn’t mind.

But he quickly schools his face and searches for a conversation topic. “You know, I think that was the first time that we got to hang out just the two of us.”

Dani looks at him with a lopsided grin. “I’m starting to feel bad for goth girl, now that you’ve spent some time with someone as awesome as me. And by awesome, I mean not sacrificing your soul to Beelzebub.”

Charles laughs. “It’s cute how you’re obsessed with her.”

“I just have a hard time picturing Mr. Rogers with someone like her on a date.”

He rolls his eyes. “It wasn’t a date, Dani. Dr. Herlihy is moving his practice to New York and she’s not going with him. She reached out to me to see if I would be interested.”

“To New York?” Dani says in a slightly panicked tone. “You’re not going, are you?”

“No.”

“So why didn’t you tell me it wasn’t a date then?” Dani raises an eyebrow. “Were you trying to make me feel jealous?”

Charles laughs. “No, I was just having too much fun teasing you. Why? Were you jealous?”

“Pssh.” Dani says in forced nonchalance. “Get out of here. I’m just happy you won’t get your heart ripped out for a ritual for Mammon. So there’s no connection between the two of you at all?”

“Nope.” Charles looks at Dani from the corner of his eye. “I’m still available.”

“Well,” Dani clucks her tongue. “That’s a shame.”

For a moment, Charles considers letting her comment go. But as they walk towards his suite door, he gets a burst of courage.

“What do you mean by that?”

Dani looks at him, eyes glittering as she smiles. “That coconut. Completely in the way.”

Charles scoffs. “Yeah right. You’re glad that coconut got in the way. You couldn’t handle it.”

“I bet I could.” Dani steps closer to him, hand coming up to his chest.

“Yeah?”

They lean towards each other, their eyes starting to slide shut when the door opens.

“Daddy!” Michael and Maggie yell. Dani and Charles jerk back, flushes on their cheeks.

“Hey kiddos, how’re things?” Charles says as he picks at an imaginary piece of lint on his sleeve.

“The babysitter fell asleep.” Maggie replies solemnly. She opens the door wider, showing a plump Hawaiian lady fast asleep with cheese smeared around her lips.

“Oh look, a Hawaiian Rosa.” Charles frowns before turning to Dani, a cautious expression on his face. “Well, I better wake her up and send her on her way. I’ll see you tomorrow, Dani. Last day.”

“Yep.” Dani rocks on her heels before continuing in a fake German accent. “One more day of lying! Good night Charles.”

“Night, Dani.” Charles gives her a tight smile before shutting the door softly. Dani frowns and stuffs her hands in the pockets of her jeans as she walks towards the elevator. She’s deep in thought the whole way and gets off the elevator in a daze. Once inside she goes straight to her room, her hands on the fly of her jeans when she suddenly stops.

With a smile, she turns and leaves her room, jogging out towards the elevator. Ding! The elevator opens to show a completely wasted Eddie and Palmer.

“Hallo, halloo!” Eddie slurs excitedly. “Dere she is!”

Caught, Dani goes over to give a friendly shake to Eddie’s hand before giving a Palmer a quick kiss.

“Where were you going?” Palmer asks, tilting her head to the side.”

“Where was I going?” Dani laughs nervously. “I wasn’t going anywhere. Just, uh, looking for you! How was your night?”

“Great!” Palmer says surprising Dani with her wide grin. “Dolph gave mouth to mouth to a sheep, then we had a few drinks.”

She weaves back and forth where she stands, and Dani gives her a cautious smile. “Uh, sounds good babe.”

“Then we talked about how amazing this place has been,” Palmer gives her a sly wink. “And how amazing you are…”

Something twists in Dani’s stomach. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. And Dolph says that you’ve been saying some pretty nice things about me.”

Dani turns to look at Eddie, who smiles proudly even as he burps. “Right.”

“And if only the kids and I hadn’t kept you so busy, you might have had time to…” Palmer wraps an arm around Dani’s neck before giving her a wet kiss on her neck. “do something you’ve been thinking about doing.”

“Uh-huh…”

Palmer straightens, her face glowing with happiness. _Or drunken sweat,_ Dani finds herself thinking. “I don’t need a ring Dani! Let’s just get married, right here!”

“What?” Dani feels the bottom of her stomach drop.

“Why not? We’re here in Hawaii. Let’s do it tomorrow!” Palmer gives her a sloppy kiss on the lips before stepping back to throw her hands in the air with exuberance. “This has felt so special and magical since the moment we met. I’ve seen the way you are with your kids—it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for my whole life.”

“Really?” Dani says through numb lips.

“I don’t want to wait.” Palmer sighs before cupping Dani’s face with her hands. “I just can’t wait to start my life without you.”

Dani looks at Eddie who’s smiling widely and throwing her a thumbs-up. “Well, uh, Palmer—” she’s interrupted by the ding of the elevator and Charles walks out. He’s smiling as he steps out but freezes when he sees the three in front of him.

“Hi!” Palmer says.

“Oh, hey…” Charles looks at Eddie. “Uh, there you are Dolph! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

“Guess what my precious Goliath?” Eddie says excitedly. “Dani and Palmer are getting married tomorrow!”

Charles’s expression goes blank. “They are?”

“Yeah,” Dani says trying to catch his eye. “What do you think?”

“What do I think?” Charles meets her eye with an awkward smile. “I think it’s great!”

“Thank you so much, Devlin.” Palmer gushes, taking a step forward with her arms open as if to hug him. “I hope you can be there tomorrow.”

“Oh, I’d love to honey, but,” Charles grabs Eddie’s arm and stumbles backward away from her. “But you know it’s bad luck for the ex to be at the wedding. Congratulations. Come on Dolph – let’s go back to our room and make sweet love.”

He hauls the now excited Eddie to the elevator without another word. Palmer and Dani are left in the hallway.

“Are you sure about this?” Palmer says in the sudden silence. “I know it’s kind of sudden.”

“No,” Dani says grimly. “Let’s get married.”

As the elevator goes down, Charles slumps against the side.

“Were you kidding about—?” Eddie begins to say.

“If you so much as breath next to me, I will tear your arm off and beat you to death with it.” Charles growls.

* * *

Dani follows Palmer to their room in a daze, watching Palmer as she talks animatedly before locking herself in the bathroom with her cell phone at her ear. She goes to their bed and strips down to her panties, watching as Palmer’s shadow moves through the crack of space under the bathroom door. She tries really hard to not think about the dinner and the almost kiss, instead trying to remember the heat of desire she’d felt when she met Palmer at the party.

All she can remember is a drumbeat and glistening expanse of skin. She groans and jabs the palms of her hands against her eyes. Then she freezes as she remembers Palmer is the bathroom, but she can still hear Palmer’s happy chattering as fabric rustles, undoubtedly trying on clothes for their big day tomorrow.

This is what she wanted, right?

* * *

Charles lies awake in his bed, staring at the ceiling with an arm under his head. He remembers the way Dani’s eyes tracked his body as he moved on stage and a lump fills his throat. This is exactly why he’d avoided relationships.

* * *

Eddie snores in his tub bed, carelessly flopping to the side and his hand drops into the open toilet. His snores splutter but he doesn’t wake.

* * *

Dani mirror’s Charles’s position in her bed, trying to not feel smothered with Palmer’s weight over her chest. She’d finally fallen asleep, but neither made movements for intimacy. Dani claimed she was too keyed up for tomorrow and Palmer readily agreed. She looks down at the slumbering blonde, taking in her serene smile and wishes she felt the same way.

* * *

Michael opens his eyes blearily, his digestive system waking him with a midnight bowel movement. He sighs and moves out of the bed he shares with his sister, shuffling into the bathroom. His hand slaps the general light switch area but fails to turn on the light. He shrugs and continues toward the toilet, dropping his pants as he sits. The toilet seat feels funny, giving under his thin legs but he dismisses it as part of the fancy hotel’s fanciness.

 _Ah,_ he thinks as his stomach releases tension. Suddenly something moves under his leg and he blinks in confusion. _What’s going--?_

Suddenly Eddie screams. “Dummkopf!” He tugs his hand out from under Michael and brings it to his nose. At the smell, he yells more expletives and grabs a towel to dab at his arm.

Michael blinks at him and grabs some toilet paper to wipe his butt before flushing. _Weirdo._ He thinks as he shuffles out of the bathroom.

* * *

Charles sits on his bed, laptop on his lap and glasses firmly on his nose. His phone buzzes next to him and he answers without looking.

“Hello?”

“Charles?” At Dani’s voice, Charles freezes. “You up?”

“Yeah,” He sighs. “I’m actually glad you called?”

“You are?” Dani’s voice is delighted.

“Yeah, I looked at flights for your parents.” Charles says ignoring the way his stomach clenches at her obvious happiness. “There’s a 9 am that can get them here just after noon.”

“Oh,” Dani sighs. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea. Palmer’s parents aren’t coming at all since they still don’t know she’s a lesbian. I think she wants to have an elope-y wedding.”

“Elope-y.” Charles echoes. “Okay. Are you all set with what you’re going to wear? I’m going to go out tomorrow morning to buy something nice for your fake kids so I can pick you up a nice pantsuit or—”

“Do you think this is a good idea?” Dani interrupts.

“What? The wedding?” Charles frowns. “Where are you anyway?”

“I’m on the balcony. Palmer’s asleep. But that’s not the point.” Dani sighs again. “Do you think it’s a good idea? The wedding? The whole Palmer thing?”

“It’s what we’re here for, right?” Charles says after careful deliberation.

“I guess.” Dani trails off. “You don’t think this is crazy? I’ve been running from commitment my whole life and now after less than a month, I’m getting married.”

“Look, Dani,” Charles takes off his glasses and stares at the laptop unseeingly. “You’re a big girl. You don’t need my permission.”

“I know, I know, it’s just…” Dani flounders. “I’m worried that it might be kind of weird between us. At the office.”

Charles huffs. “You don’t need to worry about that.”

Silence.

“You’re going to New York.” Dani says flatly.

“Yeah, as much as I was looking forward to the fake mustache phase of my career,” Charles lets out a chuckle before becoming serious again. “I just need to start fresh you know?” At Dani’s lack of response, he hurries to ask, “Dani? You still there? Do you understand why?”

Dani sighs again. “I guess.”

“Awful lot of guessing in this conversation.” Charles says nonchalantly. “I’ve got one divorce and two kids. I just don’t have space in my life for any more guesses.” Dani stays silent. “You have a big day tomorrow, doctor. Get some sleep.”

He hangs up and buries his face in his hands, trying to beat back the yawning disappointment in his chest. Maggie pads into the room, her expression cautious as she looks at her father.

“Daddy?”

He quickly looks up and wipes casually at his cheeks. “Hey kiddo, can’t sleep?” he pats the side of his bed. “Come on, sleep with me tonight.”

Maggie looks at him as if to say that it isn’t her who needs the comfort but nods. As she snuggles beside Charles, he reaches at the bedside lamp and switches it off.

“Daddy?” Maggie whispers into the dark.

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“It’s gonna be all right.” Charles finds himself unable to speak but gives her a kiss on the crown of her head. She wraps her arms around his arm and closes her eyes, easily slipping off to sleep. Charles blinks in the gloom, sleep nowhere in sight.

* * *

Charles is walking aimlessly around the lobby, his kids dropped off at Dani’s earlier with their respective outfits for the wedding, when he sees Palmer talking to the concierge. He mutters an expletive and tries to hide behind a pillar, but she calls out to him before he can.

“Devlin!” Palmer calls out, waving frantically at her.

“Hi, Palmer.” Charles says sheepishly as he walks over to her.

“I really need to talk to you, Devlin.” Palmer says uncharacteristically serious. “And it’s really hard for me to say.”

“What?” Charles frowns.

“Something happened when I went out with Dolph last night…” she trails off.

“Right.”

“He saved a sheep’s life.”

“Heard about that, couldn’t be prouder.” Charles says with a smile.

Palmer hesitates. “Afterward though, he was kind of hitting on the girl who owned the sheep. He tried to kiss her. I mean at first, I thought he was joking, but then he took off his pants and tried to shave to sheep. It was really weird.” Charles blinks at her, his shenanigan-meter completely broken. “Anyway, I wasn’t going to tell you but… I guess I feel like I owe it to you.”

“Right.” Charles fakes a sad expression. “A part of me always knew I couldn’t hold someone like him back.”

Palmer nods, her eyes glistening in sympathy. “Devlin, I’m so sorry. I know you thought that he was ‘the one.”

Charles suddenly gets fed up with all the lies. “Listen Palmer, I can’t do this anymore. I have to confess.”

“You don’t have to.” Palmer says with a watery smile. “I already know.”

“Oh thank God,” Charles exhales in relief. “How did you find out?”

“Anyone can see you’re still in love with Dani.” Palmer blithely says.

“What? No, no, that wasn’t what I—”

“And I think she’s still kind of in love with you.” Palmer cuts him off, her eyes boring into his. She sees his flabbergasted expression and smiles. “I mean, the way she is around you. Whenever you’re together. She thought I didn’t notice but I did. I guess I’m just rushing this wedding because I’m so scared that I’ll lose her… to you.”

Charles blinks, mouth opening but speechless for a long moment. “I-I. No, there’s nothing between me and Dani. We’re just…familiar.”

“Are you sure?” Palmer presses. “Because I just feel—”

“Listen to me Palmer,” Charles regains his train of thought. “Dani and I, we had our shot. It didn’t work out. She’s moving on and so am I. You’re the girl for her.”

Palmer smiles happily and throws her arms around Charles, taking him by surprise. “Thank God! I would never stand a chance against you.”

Charles hesitantly pats her back as he catches sight of Dani in a gift shop with his kids, animatedly talking to them. He smiles painfully at the happy sight of the three.

“Just do me a favor, Palmer.” He pulls away and looks at the young woman in the eye. “People make mistakes but Dani… she tends to throw herself headfirst without judging the consequences most of the time. Just… be patient with her, okay?”

* * *

Dani sighs as she straightens her white romper she bought earlier, fidgeting with the fabric in front of the mirror. Then she gets fed up and stomps out of the bathroom, towards the small gazebo she’d rented for the wedding. Maggie and Michael stand by the officiant, a very tan Hawaiian man who greets her with a smile. Palmer stands next to them, dressed casually in a white dress, a pretty flower tucked in her ear, wide smile on her face.

“Mother,” Maggie says as she comes near them. “In the words of Antoine de Saint-Exupery, ‘love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.’ Safe journeys.”

Michael coughs and she turns her attention to the boy. “I’m gonna miss you, Mom.”

“No, Bart, you’re not losing a Mother, you’re gaining—”

“She knows what I mean.” Michael says briskly.

Dani smiles at him and ruffles his hair. Yeah, she gets it. She steps next to Palmer and they face the officiant together.

“Ready?” The officiant asks both and Palmer nods, but Dani feels like everything is happing far away. “What a beautiful couple, a beautiful day to start a marriage…”

The voice of the officiant feels like it’s coming through water, the words slurring together, and the next thing she knows, Michael tugs her arm to hand her the rings. She looks at the boy and blinks, deciding at that moment.

“No.” Dani says softly before turning to Palmer. “I’m sorry Palmer, I have something to tell you.” Maggie and Michael exchange wide-eyed looks. “I lied to you. Devlin isn’t my fiancé. I’ve never had a long-term relationship. And I don’t have any children.”

Behind her, Maggie gasps dramatically. “You’re not my _mother!?_ ”

Dani cracks a smile as she looks exasperatedly at the girl. “Give it a rest, Maggie.”

“Cheerio,” Maggie replies with a grin.

“Maggie?” Palmer asks, “Who’s Maggie?”

Dani sighs before squaring her shoulders. “There is no Kiki or Bart or Dolph. Devlin is actually named Charles and he’s my office manager. These are his kids, Maggie and Michael. ‘Dolph’ is my cousin Eddie. Everything was a lie.”

“But, but,” Palmer looks at her bewildered. “Why?”

“Well, I didn’t want to tell you that I was the biggest scumbag alive, using an engagement ring to pick up sex partners, so I told a lie.” She shrugs. “And then another one, and then it kind of spiraled from there. I just figured that once we finished with this whole thing, we’d put the lies behind us and you’d never know.”

Palmer lowers her gaze. “Well, I guess I have something to confess as well.” At Dani’s raised eyebrow, she continues while looking at her under her lashes. “I knew.”

“What?” Dani, Michael, and Maggie exclaim together.

Palmer shrugs. “I mean I didn’t know about the kids or Charles, but I totally knew you were lying.”

“No way,” Dani insists. “I’ve been lying for nearly twenty years and I’ve never been caught. I’m the best liar in the history of lying.”

“Antonia told me.”

“That bitch!” Dani hisses.

The officiant fidgets next to them. “I should go…” At the lack of response from the women, he steps away slowly before leaving.

“After I left her party so upset, she called me, and I told her how this girl completely humiliated me after we had sex.” Palmer laughs shakily. “And then she told me how you always used the ring.”

“I can’t believe it!” Dani exclaims

“I mean, I really like you and after she told me that you weren’t really engaged, I thought I’d give you a second chance if you came looking for me.” Palmer gives her a small smile. “And then you showed up at my school. But then you started lying and I thought, ‘what the hell?’ Just to see how far you’d go.”

“So you lied to _me?”_ Dani still can’t wrap her mind around the turn of events.

Palmer scoffs. “Pot meet kettle. Anyway, I just beat you at your own game. But then, sometime during this mess, I got to really know you and I really did fall in love. I just wanted to see if you would come clean, and you did.” She steps closer to Dani and cups her cheek in her hand. “Dani, I really do want to marry you.”

* * *

Charles sits at a bar, tropical drink in front him, and he shares a one-sided conversation with the bartender, a slender dark-skinned man.

“So you just throw out the coconut when you’re done with the drink? What a waste of coconut! Why don’t you just use it as an ashtray or a football helmet for a cat or—”

“Charles?” At the familiar voice cutting him off, Charles groans.

“Hey, Devlin.” He says as the woman slips next to him on the bar.

“I had so much fun last night.” She says insincerely. “Still trying to find out how you cheated in the end though. Where’s Dani?”

Charles laughs humorlessly. “Oh Devlin, she’s at her wedding?”

“I’m sorry?” Devlin’s forehead furrows.

“I was never married to Dani, Devlin.” Charles takes a long sip of his drink. “It was a lie I made up.”

“But, _why_?”

He shrugs. “I couldn’t bear the thought of you knowing the truth.” He lets out a long exhale. “I _was_ married for a time. To a very selfish woman and it took me way too long to find the courage to leave her.”

“Really?” Devlin says nonplussed. “Huh.”

“Yes, Devlin.” Charles snaps. “I’m a single father. I have two children that I love more than anything in the world and I have nobody by my side. I drive a Prius. I still have a 10 mb connection. I had a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4. I’m fucking bisexual, not ‘morally loose’. I get way too invested in ‘Ru-Paul’s Drag Race’. And sometimes when I’m feeling beat, I have chips and an energy drink for dinner. I work for Dani, I’m just her assistant.”

“Well,” Charles braces himself for Devlin’s disparaging remarks. “I never would have guessed. There seemed to be such a connection between you.”

“She’s a great girl.” Charles smiles fondly. “In fact, I might even be in love with her. But it doesn’t matter because she is marrying someone else… right about now.”

Silence.

“Ian and I are breaking up.” Devlin says without looking at Charles.

“Couldn’t even let me have that.” Charles mutters. “I’m so sorry, Devlin. What happened?”

“Well, for starters, he’s gay.” Devlin flaps her hand to the side of the bar. Ian stands around a group of young sailors, his hand on one of their arms. “Just look at him!”

Charles flounders for a reply. “Gotta tell you Devlin, that thing last night with the coconut? Bit of a red flag there.”

Devlin snorts before laughing. “I’ve seen him do it with soap.” They share a laugh. Devlin sighs. “And I’m also a closet lesbian.”

“What?” Charles looks at her. “But we dated?”

She laughs bitterly. “I was married to Ian for ten years just to have a beard to hide behind. Our college fling that lasted less than a month is nothing in comparison.”

“Wow,” Charles snorts softly into his drink. Who knew? “And what about the iPod thing?”

Devlin snorts. “Ian didn’t invent shit. He made his money suing the Dodgers after getting hit by a foul ball.” They both laugh again loudly. “Well that’s different.”

“What do you mean?”

“Laughing with you and not at you.” Devlin smiles.

Charles shrugs. “I guess we should have tried this whole truth thing a long time ago.”

“Yeah.”

They hug.

“Aww, it’s nice to tell the truth.” Dani’s voice breaks their hug. “Like were you telling the truth when you said you might be in love with me?”

Charles looks at her in surprise. Devin takes one look at how the two stare into each other’s eyes and slams down the rest of Charles’s drink.

“Right,” she says standing up after one look at Ian who’s tumbled into the lap of one of the sailors. “I’m gonna go get a divorce.” She saunters away.

“Where’s the kids?” Charles asks to break the silence.

“Palmer took them to go get ice cream.” Dani takes a step closer to Charles.

“That’s nice.” He clears his throat, looking away from her with nerves. “How was the wedding?”

“It was pretty amazing.” Dani takes another step.

“So? Details!” He turns away from her, facing the bar again.

“It was the most gorgeous spot I’ve seen. As I stood there, looking out over the Pacific, I thought about how wonderful it’s gonna be to spend my life with the one I love, to share every adventure with that one special person. There was just one problem.” Charles turns back and sees Dani now standing close to him. “That person wasn’t standing there with me.”

He blinks. “She wasn’t?”

“He wasn’t.” Dani tugs at Charles until he turns back to face her before stepping between his legs. “So I couldn’t do it.”

“You didn’t?”

She takes his face in her hands tenderly but gives him a snarky grin. “Well you didn’t give me the fake engagement ring back, so we’re still engaged.”

“Right.” He leans back, taking his face out of her hands.

Dani turns serious, reaching out for him before clenching her fist and bringing it down to her side. “I think there’s something real here though? Maybe we should give us a real shot.”

Charles meets her gaze steadily. She gives him a small nervous smile. “Dani, I just don’t understand. You’ve known me for years. What happens when we leave this fake-cation and we wake up and this is real.”

“I’m an emotionally constipated idiot.” Dani says with a sheepish smile. “Sometimes I don’t see what’s right in front of me. I mean for starters, I’ve been trying to figure out when exactly when I fell in love with you and I keep getting stuck. Was it the hula contest or the waterfall? Or maybe… it was that day you first walked into my office.”

Charles smiles and finally reaches out to tug her close, his hands on each side of her hips. “Dani, I have kids you know. And if things get tough, you can’t just drive them off a cliff! They eat, drink and they even devlin!”

Dani laughs. “Are you kidding me? I love those kids.”

“I know.” He says softly with a smile, resting his forehead on hers. “But can we go back to their real names?”

“Sure!” Dani waits a beat. “What were they again? I’m just kidding. They’re the sassiest kids I’ve ever met. I wanna be with them twenty hours a day.”

“Twenty?” Charles leans back slightly to raise an eyebrow. “What about the other four?”

Dani’s smile turns wicked and Charles’s stomach clenches in anticipation. She presses closer, her breasts digging into his chest as she turns to whisper in his ear. “I’ve been looking forward to discovering if it’s a Brazilian or regular wax.”

Charles laughs before gently turning her face towards his. Her eyes glitter with happiness, a smirk on her lips, and he can’t help but nip at her. She gasps and he laughs again before pulling her into a deep kiss. The sailors turn at that moment and start hooting and hollering, yelling out encouragements at the couple. Beside them, Ian rolls his eyes and drinks his tropical drink.

* * *

Onscreen, Michael swims with the dolphins, a wide smile on his face. The video suddenly shakes, and a voice can be heard.

“Wow, that dolphin smiled at him! Did you see that?” Dani exclaims happily.

“I think so, can you zoom while it’s on video mode?” Charles’s deep voice replies.

“I think zee dolphin likes Michael trés bien!” Maggie chimes in an exaggerated French accent.

“Another accent.” Dani mutters.

Everyone laughs, the screen fading to black as they clap. The salon is decked out in flowers, glittering chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, and the people milling or sitting at the tables are dressed in formal gowns and suits.

Michael and Maggie sit next to Dani’s parents. Mr. Maccabee is a wrinkled stout man, his kippah sitting snugly on the bald spot on his head. Mrs. Maccabee smiles fondly at the children, her prominent nose easily relating her to Dani.

“Wow, you showed that fish who’s boss, Michael.” Mr. Maccabee says.

Michael nods solemnly. “It’s actually not a fish, it’s a mammal.”

“Whatever it is, it looked like you had fun.” Mrs. Maccabee says before turning to Maggie. “Did you get a turn, dear?”

“That wasn’t part of the deal.” Maggie says.

“Deal?” Mrs. Maccabee frowns. “What deal?”

Charles arrives at their table at that moment a wide smile on his face. “Hey everyone. Want to go dance?”

Conversation forgotten, the Maccabees follow the kids and Charles to the dance floor. They pass dancers, Eddie one of them as he dances wildly, two girls on each side of him. Charles makes a face and continues past him. They finally find a spot and begin to dance.

Unknown to Charles, Dani is sitting two tables away, looking at her parents and Charles dancing together with a fond smile on her lips. Who knew that so many years after she overheard that idiot talking disparagingly about her she’d return to the same temple? Only this time, she stuck around for the ceremony and finally married the man of her dreams. She snorts, moving the rings on her finger absently. Now if anyone asks her about her rings, she’s going to bore them to death about the greatest man on earth, one that doesn’t cheat on her, beat her, doesn’t drink—well, not too much any way, and how she’s just so fucking grateful that she’s going to spend the rest of her life with him.

Charles turns then and catches her eye with a smile. He leaves behind the elder Maccabees and strides to her table with an outstretched hand.

“Want a dance, Dr. Maccabee?” He says tugging her to her feet.

She laughs. “Without a doubt, Mr. Maccabee.” Following him to the dancefloor, she turns to their left and giggles again. “And I have to admit, Morticia really knows how to get down on that bass.”

Charles follows her gaze and laughs too. Bernadette, dressed in thigh high combat boots and black clinging dress, gyrates happily on her own.

They turn to look at each other, their gazes softening. “I love you.” Charles whispers to her before lowering his lips to hers.

“Mm,” she says when they part, her head resting on his chest. “I love you more.”

**Author's Note:**

> Dani: Actress Sarah Silverman  
> Charles: Joe Manganiello (but like with green eyes and darker skin) ugh, i couldn't find an actor/fitness/influencer that fits my description so close enough.
> 
> Charles's hula dance (just switch out the cute little boys for my imaginary Charles): https://youtu.be/iiAdv30OEkI
> 
> Comments and kudos very much appreciated.
> 
> 4.11.20 Editing corrections applied.


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